When you just don't know what to say...
I don't know how to feel, and I've been feeling that way since Saturday afternoon. Someone died. Someone I can't say I really knew, but someone who people I'm close to were close to. Someone I'd met.
How can I decide how to feel? I can't quite be happy with this over my shoulder, fleeting reminders, friends who are hurting. But I can't quite grieve, since I didn't quite know her. So I'm shocked. Nine days have passed and I can't get past shock. Because there's nowhere else for me to go.
How can anyone who knew her better be so back to normal? I guess we still have to live....
It amazes me how selfish I can be sometimes (that last entry). How could I be so stupid and self-absorbed? Pathetically paranoid for my own little safety.
I'm scared.
Death is so huge, one death, one life gone, so incomprehensible. One person, that person, ended. The world changes. Even for me, untouchable me. I don't know how to feel.
I feel defensive and sad that Robin hates some of my friends. Maybe she doesn't as much as it seemed, but ... oh, there is nothing I can say to qualify it at all; what do I know?
Hm.
g [3/28/2005 09:13:00 PM]
Aaack! I don't know what's going on...! I don't know what's going on in Dylan's head, I don't know what's going on in my ... self...
>deep breath<
Last night, I told him that I love him. I do. So completely. He is everything. He told me he loves me too. Okay. But today he called because he said he would and told me that last night after I dropped him off he walked around all night and didn't sleep at all and craziness... and that he didn't think he could talk so he'd talk to me tomorrow.
... What? I apparently freaked him out. Or something. But I know he, well I know he feels strongly about me, anyway... from everything he's said. And I realized I loved him and I sort of knew it even before we were going out but I realized it was true, I do, so much... and what could I do? I told him so. Was that wrong? Should I not have? Did it force him to lie, that is to stretch the truth about the way he feels about me? Why did it freak him out so much? Because he does love me or because he doesn't? I mean, it is a little crazy and scary to feel so much for someone, and I'm just, I'm trying to tell myself that's why he freaked out. But maybe he's like, woah, this is going too far, I can't deal with this, pulling back from me, maybe.... And you know what? I can't stand the idea of losing him. Just thinking about it made me cry. What if. I can't believe I could feel this way about someone. But then........ I guess a little part of me is suggesting maybe it isn't about me. But that's bs. He walked around all night, couldn't sleep...? After I dropped him off. After ... I don't know, I guess I really shouldn't worry about it, shouldn't freak out like this anyway. Maybe I'm completely blowing it out of control. But yesterday was so crazy, so emotional, so.... I haven't recovered.
g [3/20/2005 10:29:00 PM]
Ah, the satisfaction of a good, big meal. Lots of tofu, lots of peas, suffer through some rice... Yummy nice stuffed feeling. :)
g [3/03/2004 07:13:00 PM]
Tengo un neurasténico. Acaban de schedule mi rehearsal para el dia singular que no puedo venir! Y yo told ellos que no puedo venir antes de lo scheduled! Que idiotas! Es muy frustrating! Como yo necesito mas stress! Dios! Y yo no have memorized mis lines, y son solo dos o tres semanas hasta el espectaculo, y solo tantos rehearsals. Yo hate el video del espanol. No necesito mas stress!!!
Perdon mi spanglish.
g [2/22/2004 07:11:00 PM]
http://tm.wc.ask.com/r?t=c&s=a&id=30780&sv=za5cb0deb&uid=05833518EF4329304&sid=1B38C518EF4329304&p=%2flinks&o=8002&u=http://www.ibiblio.org/stayfree/10/semen.htm
amusing, frightening, disgusting, and interesting all at the same time. If you're especially sensitive you might not want to read this immediately after eating.
g [2/22/2004 05:03:00 PM]
TAKE THE PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY QUIZ ON THE LEFT SIDEBAR!!!!!!!!!!
g [2/06/2004 09:02:00 PM]
Depressed by my own indecision, by my inaction, my unknowing, being torn between this life and a simpler one that a large part of my soul yearns for. Apparently it's in the blood. My second cousin left civilization to build his own house - no electricity/plumbing - up in the mountains. His brother made an award-winning documentary about it. Called DoDah. I'm tired of having to worry about everything. I'm sick of my own hypocrisy.
g [1/04/2004 12:24:00 AM]
What is wrong with us? Why cannot we be happy, why can we not function as the rest of the world does? Why me and my classmates? Why can we not grasp simple concepts that other years have breezed through? Why can we not remember anything for more than a week? Why do we fail so miserably? What makes us so stupid or incompetent? Is it because we are all cynics and nothing can interest us enough to stick?
g [11/30/2003 09:40:00 PM]