Do you ever think about death? Really think about it. I do all the time. It's been bothering me. What will it be like to die? Will I stop existing? Will it be interminable pain? Or maybe it will be peaceful. Or just like life. Will my life have been worth it? When will I die? When I imagine death, I feel one definitive emotion strongly: panic. Because death could happen at any time, even now. But I haven't done anything worthwhile yet. What if the world exploded, and that was the end. Nothing I did would effect the future in any way. All the people and things I had a small impact on would be forever destroyed. Do I have a soul? Would it be better or worse if I do? Is there any logic in the universe? Am I worth anything, cosmically speaking? Why does everyone think they are? Death. I once had a dream that I came face-to-face with death. I hardly remember how I felt just before.... Something was going to wipe out all the people on the planet instantly. We ducked, foolishly, hopelessly, reconciled to death. We came out; we weren't dead. That's a crazy feeling. "I'm still alive...". But if I had died? What is waiting for us? For whom is it waiting? Blackness, void, nothing? Or God? I am really afraid of death. I accept that it is a part of life. Sometimes, I look forward to it as an answer to all my questions. But if I cease to exist, I won't know anything, let alone the answers. And when it all comes down to it, I've got no clue what happens after. And I wish I could live forever. I'm not ready to take the ultimate risk to find out. And I don't think that I ever will be, not really. Because one cannot be fully prepared for something one knows absolutely nothing about. You would have to be prepared for absolutely everything, which is absolutely impossible. So death is scary. It is the absolute unknown. There are things we know nothing about - the inside of a black hole for instance, we really know nothing about; there are only theories - but we know that there are definite answers. After death... we know nothing. But we give up everything familiar. We give up everything that we have, that we have worked for, we give up everything that is important to us except faith. Honestly, if we are left with anything, in the instant of death, that is all we have. Maybe. A little hope. I almost wish I could die and still be alive. If I could physically die, but be frozen for a long time, then live again. And then die, if it would be worth it. But what if I couldn't die, if I was just asleep, and then I would never know, still, what death was like, and I wouldn't be able to tell them to let me die for so long.... And maybe I'll die and go to hell and not know it. And maybe I'm dead now. God, I hope I live a long time. No wonder people don't let themselves die, no wonder people don't let each other die. It truly is the ultimate sacrifice. Sure, it seems like torture could be worse, but you can recover; some people might think insanity would be worse, but you can still think even if you only make sense to yourself, and you can still experience happiness and all those other sensations. It would take a hell of a lot to make someone want to kill themselves.
g [9/21/2003 12:34:00 AM]