Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I can't believe this is considered a riddle.
g [1/31/2003 08:41:00 PM]
Now here's an interesting question, one I wonder almost constantly but never really ask people. What is your definition of "evil"? What makes a person evil, if indeed they can be? You guys might be the wrong group to ask, but what the heck, answer anyway, why doncha?
g [1/29/2003 06:37:00 PM]
Guess what happened today. Not that its extremely exciting, but I don't have anything else to talk about. Well, we had a half day (twenty minute periods!), so we went home at 10:55. This girl who was in my ceramics class gave me a ride home it was really sweet. Anyway, I get home and start studying my decathlon stuff. Then I realize (by actually reading the front divider (well okay I just happened to glance at it and it caught my eye)) that my terrible score that is so inevitable won't affect the team! 'Cause only two of the A students, two B's and two C's get their scores added up for the team score. You have no idea the relief. Sure I'll still feel extremely ignorant, but I feel so much better 'cause I won't be dragging the Regional Champion Team down (last year, they got second at states, too!). And now, I can give it my best shot and have fun, because it doesn't feel (as) hopeless. Okay, see that's not the thing that happened today, that was just a side story. So since I realized this, I decide to take a nap, but because I had swim practice at 2:45 I set my watch alarm to go off at 5 of 2 (as I'm dozing off I hear on the message machine that the decathlon meeting for tonight is cancelled, sigh of relief). Guess what? Alarm doesn't wake me. What a surprise, of course it didn't it's a watch alarm! Probably smothered in my blankets. So anyway, its 3:10, I decide I'm gonna go anyway, cause I had to miss yesterday for mock trial and we had a day off monday for some reason, and I feel a need to get off my bum and get some exercise. But guess what? Despite the fact that it's snowing and I'm already half an hour late, my mom won't drive me up there! So I walk, with a notion of being noble, hoping Dawn, the swim coach, will see it that way as well. I get to the school (it wasn't too cold, but the slushy road made it slow), hurry into the locker room, speed change (in the bathroom, cause its that time of the month), grab my towel, and try to open the door to the pool. It's locked. So I go around to the lobby entrance. That's locked too. Odd, did they lock it after everyone got there? Why would they? I was beginning to doubt they were there at all, but just slightly. This woman who was standing there said she thought she might have a key, I follow her back through the locker room, she's trying different keys but apparently none fits. Now I'm noticing that you can't hear shouts or splashes from inside the natatorium, which is odd because usually you can. Are they not there? Why wouldn't they be there? The woman asks if I'm sure they are, and I'm thinking was there a meet I didn't know about? No. Did they go on some trip? Are they swimming somewhere else? None of these seems very plausible. Then the woman says she thinks sports were cancelled because of the weather. Oh great, I think. She goes and checks in the office, sure enough, she was right. Great, I walked all this way for nothing. I wish they'd told me that before I walked here, I thought. I feel my eyes fill with tears (cause I cry too easily). But then I realize something as I'm getting changed. I don't mind walking back home, and I don't mind too much that swim was cancelled. At least this way the coaches won't know I was extremely late. And besides, walking at least I get some exercise. So I walked home, after another drink at the water fountain (I'd grabbed one on the way in, my mouth was so dry, you know how it gets after a nap like that). And the air was chill but not freezing cold, and it felt good, except the snow in my shoes, and when I was nearly home, I was sorry, because it was a nice walk in a pretty snow-covered scene. And when I get home, my mom is standing inside the door. No swim practice? she asks. Nope, I said, it was cancelled because of weather. Well I could have told you that (says the mother who made me walk to this swim practice). Thanks, Mom, I said.
g [1/29/2003 06:32:00 PM]
Know what though? I really feel like writing in my blog. Something I haven't really done in a long time. Long. Time. There is a reason. I rather consciously made a decision to stop writing in my blog, almost weined myself of it (invoking the gradual implication of the word)... for a few reasons. One, that I didn't have enough time. It's true. I kept saying how I didn't have time to read your blogs, and then (reason two) I felt bad, because I expected you to read mine. I have time to write but not to read? I heard the hypocrisy even as I tried to justify it. And so I tried to rid myself of the hypocrisy once and for all. But not in the positive way, the way I would like to, by reading yours. But, instead, by ceasing to give you anything to read. That way I would be reading no less of yours than you would of mine. Because it is true that I don't have time to read ten blogs every couple days or so. I'm still not exactly come to any conclusion here. As you can see by my slipping and writing again. Because maybe somehow it isn't fair that I don't write? No, the larger reason is likely that I enjoyed your responses, and now I lack them - I don't give you anything worth responding to.
So, I finally finished Far From the Madding Crowd. I can't honestly list it among my favorite books. I found, in the end, I liked Gabriel Oak just a bit more than I liked Bathsheba. And parts of the story were boring, small parts here and there confusing, and large bits were rather predictable. The ending, for instance ... although at points I did doubt that was how it would end up, I admit. Agh, not worth wasting any more time on.
I have yet to listen to the music. And so far, I've only read one section of the superquiz, and only most of the art section. They are long. And I have no time. Most particularly no time I'd like to waste learning trivial bits of (wow) trivia.
Do you have any idea how much I yearn to go to the Allways Cafe? So many people have reported the exquisiteness of their food to me. I'm dying to go. But, alas, two things stand in my way: a lack of money, and a commitment to mock trial. How Aggravating!!!! I feel so left out, but it's only by my own doing. : (
Time-of-the-month's suck! No wonder I've been feeling so odd lately. And every time I write an email, it's been very short. Maybe that has more to do with midterms and a lack of time than yknow, but you never know!
I feel so unloved, by myself, and yet so loved by the world in general. Today, I saw my twin, and went over to her. We started chatting... next thing you know, Craig walks by... can't resist my magnetism and joins in. Poor lil Molly happens by and is subjected to the same. Makes me feel a false sense of popularity. Heh, I don't care if it's false, I enjoy feeling loved.
You can kill my "theory" you know, if you want. How's a thing to improve, become solid, if no criticism abounds? Yeah, I was feeling sensitive when I first put it up, I often do, but it passes, y'know.
God, I am so tired. At 8:30 it felt like 11. I've no idear why. Bleeeegh just one more midterm. (and mock trial and swimming afterwards, then going home to frantic studying for AD and writing two more speeches so I can decide which I like the best as my prepared speech). Oh I am so tired. I's crazy yo. ... OOhhh I just realized the cause of my incomplete feeling concerning my IM convo with Arthur. He never said why he was... oh no yeah he did. Wow am I tired an dead. SSSSSSSSSSSSttttttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnggge am I.
Heh. Ali drove me, and Mike and Zach, home today. You can tell a person's a beginner from the jerkiness of their starts and stops, let's just say that, eh? Not that she was really bad, but uh practice never hurt anything. : ) No, she really wasn't bad, but I wonder how I compare to her, y'know? Do I jerk like that? I know at certain times that I do... I wonder if having other people in the car made her nervous or sumptin'.
Yeah. And Goodnight.
g [1/27/2003 09:39:00 PM]
Did you read the article(s) on the death penalty in the school newspaper??!!! They (matt leskowitz and roman gehkman (i may have spelled that wrong) the pro-death writers) are freaking completely wrong! I don't know where they got their information, but... their two main points were that it costs less than life in prison and that it's an effective deterrent of crime! They are, very simply, wrong. There are no two ways about it (though I'm sure the second point is more arguable....) It costs a LOT more to execute an individual... and in the states where ... here, I'll just paste my (unsophisticated) paper from eighth grade...:
Never Mind. Apparently what was saved as "Death Penalty - Report" is just my preliminary research. Stupid... me I guess. Oh you'll just have to read it sometime I have to go to bed right now, sleep ... midterms....
g [1/22/2003 10:05:00 PM]
The three books that changed/explain me/my views: The Celestine Prophecy, The Shadow Club, Ishmael. Read them. Granted the first one I didn't enjoy until I finished it and saw its application in the world, and the third sounds like I wrote it two years ago (in style/format). But all three are amazing. Read them.
g [1/20/2003 12:45:00 PM]
My favorite subjects/activies, in random order: acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, debating, law & politics, Spanish, math, science, running, swimming. Which is why I can never get anything done. Prolly left out some too.
How do yall think you did on the math test? I kept screwing up, so I ended up leaving all of one problem (15?) blank - 8 pts right there. It's not that I didn't know how to do the stuff, but somehow I kept solving stuff the wrong way. Cheese n crackers, how annoying! I had to do almost every problem twice cause I did it wrong the first time. Ugh I wish I'd let myself be late for A.S. and just finished the dern thing.
g [1/17/2003 09:07:00 PM]
It's hard being young, because you can't win an argument with an adult. Or hardly anyway. Because you both know that the adult has more experience in life (unless it's in an area the younger person happens to know more about, but you know what I mean). I'm trying to argue with my mom, but it's so hard. She knows what she thinks and believes. I don't. It gives her a tremendous advantage.
Randomly: People are a product of their environment, but somehow not completely. What is it that makes us who we are? I know the great impact that environment has on a person, but is that all? If it were, then how could siblings, raised the same way, turn out so differently, have such a different take on life?
A LANDSLIDE in a presidential election, is 60%. three out of five. Crazy stuff, that. I mean, it means that virtually half the people in the country, at any given time, voted against their current leader. So even if...when I am elected president, it will be with only half my country, a slight majority, really behind me. Ain't that odd? Ain't that strange??
g [1/11/2003 09:49:00 PM]
The Genai Theory of Evolulution:(Stipulation) Evolution occurs when a certain gene mutation is beneficial to the survival of the individual, because if that individual survives, it can pass on the mutated gene. (Observation) All, or at least many of, the differences between people and other animals can be traced to the fact that a person's instinct for individual protection is stronger than other species'. People will protect themselves at almost any cost, instead of living in cyclic harmony with the rest of nature. This can be seen in our developement of homes that protect us from the natural environment, and weapons to protect ourselves from natural enemies. (Conclusion) Humans probably inherited a mutated gene with extra of the self-preservation instinct. Thus the race thrives, and the mutated gene is continually passed on. Though the gene was beneficial to the survival of the individual and therefore constituted evolution, this does not mean that the evolution was a good thing overall, as it resulted in a breakaway from the circle of life, and the annihilation of species considered by people to be threats.
_________________________________________________
So do I think that people are worse than other animals? Often the answer is yes. But at other times I feel that there are positives in human nature that outweigh the negatives. We are only another species, so how can we be any better or any worse?
This theory, however, practically throws in the trash my hope that when humans eventually evolve they will be better, because of course this theoretical gene would always be passed on. Well it's only a theory. But it would be interesting to test, because doesn't it make a lot of sense? Particularly if you don't assume that I am attempting to say that this is the only thing that sets us apart, because perhaps it isn't.
Oh, I like this theory! Don't kill it just yet, por favor!
It seems almost silly to try and reason out the world now, when I know I cannot yet succeed in understanding it. But I know that if I don't start trying to understand then I never will. I probably never will anyway. Ain't that depressing. Sometimes I almost feel like giving up because I will never fully understand, so why bother? Ah, but as Kibbler said, even if the destruction of the planet is inevitable, if each generation tries their hardest, it can be put off indefinitely, and in theory, infinitely. Now that's what you call Hope.
Speaking of silliness, I feel like maybe I'm being silly to state my theory so formally. But that is often the best way to argue your theories: to present simple facts and then draw a conclusion, without any disclaimers or pleading or I thinks. I dunno. ... In reality you know it's not a theory, because it hasn't been tested. It's only an opinion, an idea, one person's revelation.
Oh, Go Away, world! Just for now, just for a bit. Can't I have a moment of simple peace once in a while? Of course not.
g [1/11/2003 09:33:00 PM]
no wait. its really weird. there is only one section under archives, and i think it's the earliest. so, what? whatnow? wha's goin on?? hm oh well
g [1/10/2003 08:03:00 PM]
You know what I really want to do, though, Squeak? It's not so drastic as poking their eyes out, but I have such a strong urge to write on the cast list "You poor idiotic directors" just like that. Only it would be mean, and I wouldn't want to be mean. Plus if I was someone who had gotten a part, I would definitely think they meant I sucked and didn't deserve it, or something like that. Oh, why didn't I get called back??
I'm sorry for going on and on about the play I know it doesn't really affect any of you, and you therefore probably don't want to hear so much about it. But too bad, suckers! It's my blog, so I can write anything I damn well want!! : )
Oh one last unrelated thing. I had a question, for irina, but I don't remember what it was.
lnol I look back at previous posts trying to remember what the question was, and I think "hm maybe it's in a post before the ones shown".... hehe and guess what my question was? How do you get to the posts before what's listed under "archives"? 'Cause you told me b4 but I don't remember.
g [1/10/2003 08:00:00 PM]
Thank goodness for a hard swim practice today. At least it kept my mind off drama ... temporarily. I checked the list between 7th and 8th period and needless to say, taking a Spanish quiz and just sitting in class itself were not fun. It was so hard not to cry. Normally I wouldn't care so much about just one part in a high school play I found out about just a few days previous (well actually I'd been looking forward to it since the fall), but the thing is... like I said it's just kinda the last straw, y'know? It's pretty hard on a gal never getting a part as anything; maybe I should just give it up. I don't get it. It's so frustrating.
And in my distraught state, I have to prepare a presentation of the little-known Thomas Wolfe (particularly pertaining to Hitler - the search for info seems hopeless); read and study for decathlon (oh I really wish I had gotten a part in the play, then I could have dropped decathlon with completely clean conscience); reread the Mock Trial stuff; and decide whether I should ditch swimming (and a chance at the 100 breast!) or mock trial for the second time. Oh I really can't ditch mock trial. But I don't want to miss a meet either! Life sucks. When you're depressed that is. Aaaaah it's so hard to get anything done when all you feel capable of doing is sitting around and SULKING. And I'm supposed to get a driving lesson this weekend, and a drum lesson, and I have to babysit my brothers bc I owe my parents money. Oh IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
g [1/10/2003 07:45:00 PM]
It's amazing how little I notice about the world around me. It's because I'm so self-absorbed. I mean seriously. I put so much on my plate that I have no time and no effort left to see what anyone else thinks or what they're doing. Or who they are for that matter. It amazes me at times.
OOh God I'm so lazy!!!
g [1/09/2003 10:27:00 PM]
Just wanted to get this down before I forget again. I was saying to someone how unfair it is of us to be restricting North Korea from creating nuclear weapons when we have plenty stockpiled "just in case." I know it's supposed to be because the government is unstable and all and that they are eager to attack South Korea. BUt wait. How stable is the war-hungry President Bush with his total party control of the federal government? And wait again. Because aren't we just as eager to attack Iraq? So what's left that makes it okay? The idea that we are right, that we are the good guys and they are the bad guys. Think about it. No one's saying it outright, but that's the idea everyone in power is trying to get across. (I mean the ones in support of war obviously)
Oh and for anyone who doesn't think our media is slanted? Just think about this: who decides what articles to put in the paper? The editors of course. And they listen to the editor in cheif and/or the owner of the company or whatever. Do you honestly think that they don't care if the government thinks their paper is unpatriotic? And besides, they want to publish stories that people want to read. They don't want to depress people and have their main articles point out the truth about the unfairness of our eminent wars. Oh the stories are probably in there, but certainly not on the front page.
...It's crazy if you think about it. Not the media, I mean: Bush's policies. Everything he's doing makes it seem like what he wants more than anything is a world war. He's trying to get allies against Iraq and against North Korea and whomever else he feels like ganging up on. 'Cause that's what he's doing. I have to admit I think we ought to lose if it comes to a world war. It would teach us a lesson, and we would have a chance to start over from scratch proving ourselves. Course, we'd have to be careful (under my leadership of course) not to be like Germany after WWI and hold it against everyone. We'd have to let ourselves see the error of our ways, and reform. Then we can really be a major force in the world. Not just scaring everyone into submission with the threat of nuclear wipe-out. This one girl on the NoiseBoards said - she was from the Netherlands or something like that - the leader of her country (and the people too) were against Bush's policies, but the leader was too scared of retribution to speak up about it. Isn't that sad? That just should not happen! But it's true, I mean, if anyone tells us we're in the wrong, Bush would definitely say "If they aren't with us, then they are against us," and will have happily gained another adversary to pick a fight with.
Oh I want to have gotten this part so badly! I need to stop thinking about it!
g [1/09/2003 09:22:00 PM]
Am I bad at acting? (this is a rhetorical question that I am using as a segway into ... this) I tried out for the drama today. It's a slapstick murder mystery comedy. Sounded like a lot of fun. I was picked first (I think - ?) to play a "flighty" woman named Bernice. People said I did really well. Of course Adrienne did, she always over-compliments me (...and other people too I hope). Couple people said they were sure I'd get the part. I felt pretty good about it too. But then everyone else who did any good, they kept getting to go back onstage whereas I only went on once right at the end. And I screwed it up too. But I thought I'd get called back; I thought I'd done that well with Bernice anyway. Oh I keep hoping so desperately that I was just SO good as her that they immediately cast me as her and simply didn't need to call me back. They shouldn't do that to people though! Call them back anyway, just so they don't get depressed. Okay, I. So that I don't get depressed. Oh sigh. No one recognizes my talent when I try out for stuff. Swear to God, only Pezza and Mr Haldeman have any faith in my acting ability. So maybe I don't have any.... If I don't get the part, I can't see myself trying out for anything again. I mean, it's not "just one part." It's twentieth in a sequence of "one part"s that I didn't get. So I must Suck. Only my friends and stuff say I can act, but maybe they're, y'know, stretching the truth just a little bit.
So, I was happy and hyper for about 48 hours. Hm a little less. 'Cause I was hyper and happy today up until I saw that call-back list. sucks. Heh, if I try to cheer myself up about it, I reprimand myself for getting my hopes up, which only prepares one for a bigger let-down. And if I start to bash myself then I reprimand myself for that too, 'cause it really depresses me when I tell myself I suck, and I don't need that kind of attack on my self-confidence.
Awww! Everyone who got called back is up there right now, re-auditioning. Craig and Jacob, who I was hanging out with, both got called back. I didn't. Ugh, it Sucks! There were like twenty people on the list, but not me. And a weird part of me is saying, "what if you just missed your name?! Maybe you really were on the list, and they were seriously considering you, but since you weren't at call-backs they won't give you a part!" And that keeps eating at me... but seriously I would have seen my name after carefully scanning the list for it twice. Or even if I didn't see it, someone else would've. O'course, Jake did say he thought I was on the list ... that's why this voice is gnawing at me. But I would have seen my own ugly little hard-to-pronounce name. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >sigh< Oh well, what happens happens, you know?
g [1/09/2003 07:54:00 PM]
Now I happy happy happy! Now I happy happy happy! :*D I convinced my mummy to let me take a weekend art class at tyler school of art. ms sweigart has two half-scholarships to give out for them and I promised my mom I would babysit for the next six weeks to cover the rest of the cost. Oh how I'm going to kill myself! : ) I'm going to take the painting class and it'll be fun bc I'll learn how to paint! and I'll meet people who love art too and it'll just be such fun and such a great life experience y'know?! Heh Zach thinks you can't be a president and a painter. lol Guess I'll show him won't I?
I'm not gonna let myself think about the stuff I'm depressed about bc as long as I ignore them I'll be happy! (I mean for tonight, that's not my attitude for life...!)
g [1/07/2003 08:33:00 PM]
Weird experience Irina and I had today. We went to Gloria Dei to help ... well "help" Ms Steely teach them art and whatnot. The old people are all drawing these really great pictures... anyway... this other old woman comes in and she starts talking to Irina and me. Ok, you know, that's nice, we'll be friendly and all. But she just KEEPS talking. And talking. Every time she shifts position I think she's going to leave, but no. And she's not staying on any one topic either, she keeps telling us all these completely unrelated stories from her past. Which I wouldn't mind, but it meant standing there for probably at least an hour and you could hardly hear her too and besides she didn't seem like the nicest person, she kept saying how she told this person or that off and how you have to spank kids so they'll listen to you. Some guy tackled her and asked her out and she like yelled at him, probably threatened the poor guy too. I mean I would've said no to him, but.... And she gave us the whole "all they have on TV nowadays is crap" speech. And I keep looking at the way her hair is waved off her forehead and wondering if she has some stylist to do it for her (probably). And how her teeth stuck out over her chapped lips, and when her mouth opened enough you could see a dark spot down on her lower gums, and her sparse eyebrows were plucked on an angle so they made her look even meaner, and right next to one of them was a dot that looked like she'd knocked a pen on her face. She used to be a teacher or something and they called her old white-haired bitch or something, and I imagine they had reason to, and she said she didn't care but I bet she really did. She kept telling us not to let the guys bother us.... She told us all her various jobs she ever held and things that happened at them. And she told us this one story of when she went to a bar or something and there were all these "faggots and lezzies" there. Only she didn't seem to be homophobic. Though, she kept repeating "like I said, I'd never go there again." Wow, she talked a lot, I swear I must know every thing that she ever did in her life. Poor thing. She must have been really lonely. But anyway, after my back began hurting from standing so much and all and I found myself looking longingly at the chair beside Irina.... I started looking over at the pictures, what all the other elderly were doing. Looking for an escape. Eventually I found one; I just said, looking at everyone else drawing made me want to draw too. I have to admit it wasn't exactly the truth. Woah. I just realized that, I lied. Weird.... Yeah I really don't do that much. But I mean I like drawing almost any time and I really did envy them sitting there at their leisure just drawing.... So Squeaky agreed with me and we grabbed some pastels and a couple pieces of paper and went over to the far side of the room. This one lady came over, asked us what we were drawing... hehe and then she said so you finally got away from her. It was funny, and it made me fell less bad about deserting a lonely, dying, old woman. I can't believe I tried to justify my little lie; that's what it was, can I just own that? I'm just so self-righteous (can't remember the spelling despite the numerous times I've used it. or am I spelling it right and simply hallucinating?) that I can't admit a flaw. But anyway. This woman Ruth - the one who kept on talking to us - she said "like I said" every other sentence, even if she hadn't said the thing yet. I figure she's probably said it a million times in her life, what's to distinguish who she said it to?
I'm tired. I have to study for Bio.
Yesterday I was really depressed during school bc I kept thinking about my idea and how hopeless it was, how it was just another idea that might work but not until far into the future. And I nowadays when I'm depressed think about how selfish people are, and I came to a couple conclusions: I hate(d) every single person in the world (this is a change, I usually hate people in general and love every one in particular) bc they are so selfish, so self-absorbed and ignorant and stubborn and not willing to see things from the other points of view. Of course, I admit that I am like that too, and I hate myself for it so then why don't I hate other people for it too? Because they keep shoving in my face the fact that they don't care about anyone but themselves; it's like people are trying to make that point to me. And the other conclusion was that I have discovered one real idea that is real because people believe that it is real. (or maybe I'm just trying to justify people's actions or maybe I'm wrong altogether and it actually is real in and of itself but I think not...) This idea is evil. People look out at the world and see bad things happening, which they perceive as "evil." Then some of them realize that they can't conquer this terrible evil, and some decide that "if you can't beat em, join em!" And others, probably most of the world, tries to reciprocate against the evil-doers, which, when seen through a different window, is the perceived evil itself. And so it continues. And if people realized that there is no such thing as evil, there would be no such thing.
"But, Genai, war. Sometimes you are being attacked, and you have to fight back. What do you do then?" I always have trouble answering this question because I believe the solution comes before war is eminent (oh phooda you know what I mean, but I really can't seem to spell today!). But I guess I believe that if a country's don't people support a war enough to fight in it themselves then the war should not be fought. "But they wouldn't be trained. And the attacking country may have a ruthless leader who will put anyone and everyone in the front line regardless of their ability or support of the war." Ever heard of don't stoop to their level? "But you would be allowing to win the policies you stand against if you don't put up enough effort." And if you did, if you also recruited people who did not want to fight, then you would be allowing those policies to win too. "So what do you do, then?" I don't really know. I just don't.
Well that was a mild instance of my multiple personality disorder! :) Sometimes I have four or more speaking at once. Always one is Me, and another is What I Think Other People Think. Heh, based on a true story. I mean the personality, the latter one. It's always based on certain experiences I've had. I wonder if I really do have multiple personalities, or is it normal to argue with oneself? I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Besides, its really just Me presenting different sides of an argument so that I can work out which is right, or anyway less wrong in many cases. Yeah. You're scared of me now aren't you. Me and my trenchcoat too! Whew! Now that's a scary sight. I probably carry guns and bombs and things hidding in the lining.
Oh I'm so bipolar though. And that day when Aleks pointed it out to me... Hehe it just proved it because I'd been in a really good mood til then and the rest of the day sucked. I wonder if I was un- or sub-consciously trying to prove it to myself, though. Hmm.
Some day I want to find what I wrote long time ago, in this journal thingy I had, about religion and stuff, but mostly what I thought about why there was no hell. But the thing is, even though its stuff I'm sure I've already told you-all, I wrote it in sixth maybe seventh but probably sixth grade, and that was a long time ago and I want to see. How much I've changed my beliefs, and how much I'd figured out already then.
g [1/07/2003 06:55:00 PM]
my sister suggested just putting more money into education, hey there's an idea, but the thing is that just helps improve the school building, the ... environment. There's no guarantee of high-quality educators and therefore no guarantee of high-quality education. Because that's what often makes or breaks a student's interest in a subject: whether or not the teacher makes it interesting. I wish I could think of a way to guarantee that.
See the main problem w/my idea is that people have families. And the parents care for the children and provide for them. Heh, I'd be creating more problems simply because I'd be fixing so many problems; people who like to help the poor would have no reason to, and wouldn't that suck? : ) I'll think of something eventually.
g [1/05/2003 11:16:00 PM]
oh yeah and also i practiced my drums today which is a good thing. i still can't get that off-beat down, though. But Practice Makes Perfect! :D
g [1/05/2003 11:11:00 PM]
part of a post i just made on youthnoise:
My problem with capitalism is that it gives some people an unfair advantage over others. Those born in poverty have a hell of a worse chance to make it in a capitalistic society, because they don't have any capital to invest. And it's not like it's their fault. Especially if the public education sucks, and they can't go to a better school, so they're forced to be ignorant of ways to make money. Whereas some people get to live off their parents' money all their lives, never having to really work for a living. So, here's an idea that is just a baby being formed inside my head: maybe when people die all their assets should be dumped into a national pool and then when someone is born or something (like I told you, this is just a babe, I haven't worked it all out just yet) maybe when they become an adult only that probably wouldn't work too well, but anyway, they would get part of it, so everyone gets to start out even. Then you let capitalism do its thing, and it would really be capitalism because it would be fair and free, and isn't that the point?
Right now people are trapped by their economic standing.
>smile.< i feel happy because i just figured something out about myself and the world and our relationship. (see above) meaning i figured out something i believe and whatnot :) :) :) :)
g [1/05/2003 09:53:00 PM]
hm
(mostly but not completely directed towards natasha:)
i'm not going to go to decathlon tomorrow evening. there's no way i can finish the book not to mention reading the sections and listening to the music. so it would be pointless for me to go. i mean i could if i didn't have stuff to do after school tomorrow, but i have a swim meet (and i'll be missing mock trial because of it). It strikes me as funny how much better suited i am for mock trial than something like academic decathlon. only, i'll be sad because i won't get to give my speech, and i like my speech (though it needs major improvement). because i know, and i'm sure you've figured it out too, that i will be the A student who doesn't get to participate. and it sucks and i'll probably cry about it at some point in the future (but not now). i really shouldn't be that upset, because i don't care about it that much, and its not like its my fault if my brain just doesn't work that way. but anyhow thats in the future all i'm saying right now is that i won't be coming to the meeting because it would be ... [some word] for me. what i mean is (its annoying when you can't think of a word, you know?) that for one thing i just need a break from all the stress and whatnot, and i'll come to the next meeting and the one after that, but this one just is inconvenient for my life right now. i need to practice my drums today - its been a week since my last lesson and i learned a bunch of new stuff but i've only practiced once. which is dumb because i love drumming.
(completely directed towards everyone in general:)
i finally finished all the king's men, and i really love that book, and i am so glad i didn't let anyone convince me that i hated it. ... how many people even bothered to read any of it? most people have said they just got spark's notes or something. which is sad. for one thing they didn't even give the book a chance. well... i loved it. ... the main message seems to be a question, does power have to corrupt? or maybe that is just the question it raised for me, because it certainly did. but the book kept trying to answer that question, first with a yes, then slowly bending and bending until he just didn't know. do you have to sell your soul to gain a position from which you can do good? that sums it up... and its right from the book, though i paraphrased it, but when i came across it i said Yes. That is exactly what I was wondering too. but the question goes unanswered, because its not really an answerable question. after all if you are doing something bad in order to do something good, does the one cancel the other out? and which one, for that matter, is cancelled out?
i think i really don't want to go to school tomorrow. if i didn't have school, then i could go to decathlon and all, no problem. but i'm going to either stay up late tonight and therefore be really tired and unable to think (like i was at the last meeting (oh and the rest of my life too!)) or else i'll go to sleep early and will feel crappy tomorrow because i didn't have enough of a weekend. life's a dichotomy. all round.
i used to feel stupid because i couldn't move things with my eyes. if i was really smart, wouldn't i have that mental power like Matilda did? and i couldn't do huge sums in my head lightning-quick. and i learned to read at a pretty normal age, not teaching myself at two years old. i used to feel dumb for that. in a way i still do, not for the moving things with my eyes of course, but i wasn't an extraordinary child. i guess tho in a way i'm glad. i can be normal, and people like to have a leader they can relate to somehow. and i can relate to them, and know some of what they're going through. and what i don't know i'll have representatives i'll try to anyway who do know and they will tell me.
i really do hate myself. it's strange, because... oh i've explained it a million times, but it's a strange thought because it's so true. i'll sometime have to figure out what exactly it is that i hate about myself and do something about it. except i think i already know and its my lack of ambition, which is why i'm annoyed at those girls for taking over my soccer campaign because i was finally acting on something i wanted to get done and then they take it out of my hand so i am again stagnant. but i'm not as annoyed as i thought i would be (bc i could see something like this happening and assumed i'd be furious) bc i have so much else i have to do maybe i just don't have time for it. i still am mad though, it was my idea, and i'm the one who put it in motion, at least they could've consulted me first?
but anyway speaking of hate and all you have to read The Shadow Club, by...neal shusterman. its such a great book, the sequal is good too (i was afraid to read the sequal because the first book was so perfect i was afraid it would ruin it, but it didn't. you don't have to read the sequal though). it's about hate and how it gets out of control, and ... its just a really good (kind of depressing, but really good) book.
i also hate that i abandoned veganism. its a cause i believe in and i just gave up and in doing so i'm now supporting the other side. so i'm fighting against myself. thats always a losing battle. lets try one more time to tell you why i'm a vegetarian. it's not the actual eating of animals in and of itself, but the wastefulness and the manner in which the animals are treated. you people appear to have this pretty, propaganda-induced idea that animals are treated nicely on a farm. surely you already know that veal is a baby calf who was tied up in the dark so it would be tender bc it wouldnt have any muscle (sometimes they're even hung up, so they can't move at all). (you want to talk about evil...?). >sigh< but that isn't a quarter of it. and maybe you've heard everything i'm about to tell you and you don't care or you pretend not to care the way i'm doing by not being vegan. chickens. they're kept in such close quarters that many farmers cut off their beaks so they won't peck each other to death. and they often end up deformed the way bread will if its smashed up against the other groceries for too long. and apparently KFC can't be "kentucky fried chicken" but has to be "KFC" because there's a debate going on as to whether the deformed beings used by the company, which receive injections to make them have extra drumsticks (also known as legs, on normal birds) and other delectable bits, are really chickens anymore. well i personally think they are chickens, just like siamese twins are still people, but that doesn't mean it isn't totally wrong. and "free-range" chickens, some people think wow this is great, they let the chickens roam around in freedom, that is so much better, and it is better, but ... there aren't standards as to what can be called free-range. the chicken could just have a few square feet of space to itself. and then, i stand up for my belief that it's wrong for us to keep animals closed up on a farm their whole lives just to be eaten by greedy little humans with their fat, grubby, greasy hands. (or any humans...) it simply isn't natural, its not what nature intended. even if animals were put on this planet to be eaten by people (which i don't believe) people were certainly meant to have to go out and hunt for them. even if the person has a gun or some other weapon, the wild animal has a better chance of getting away than a domesticated one. its just that people are incurably lazy and big-headed. stupid people. ...stupid me....
g [1/05/2003 06:20:00 PM]
Still feel ignorant but to a greater extent. I want to crawl in a (warm) hole and cry and moan about how ignorant I am and how stupid and awful humanity in general is. I know the "better" solution is to do something about it, but it feels so hopeless. How am I supposed to unite America to vote for some insignificant speck like me? How'm I supposed to get Pennsylvania, for that matter? I swear, I just feel like giving up. There are as many, actually more like 100x as many opinions as there are people in this world. Who am I that they'll listen to mine? I don't even know anymore what my opinions are. Anytime I consider suicide, I know I couldn't, because I have friends and family who would be so hurt by it (of course, then I think, wouldn't it be a sort of learning experience for them, you know, grow as a result of their pain?). And I always have some little voice that is convinced that if I just push through and try my hardest, I'll actually be able to acheive my goals and to "fix" the world. And I realize that what I really want is simply never to have existed. As of now, I have seen the truth and I can never again ignore it. But I wish I had never been born, that the being that is Genai simply was never created, not even in soul/spirit form. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all this. But it's too late now. And anyway, I wouldn't have the joys I have now, or the opportunity to make a difference. Oh, god, what is so depressing is all the people like me with such high ambitions, there are so many of them, and almost all will fail. I don't want to fail. It's hard to put myself as one of "them," to really own my ambitions, because I am so afraid that they will be crushed.
On a different note, I was sitting in English class trying unsuccessfully not to hear the discussion because I still have not finished All The Kings Men, and I didn't want to know the ending. And I was thinking about Willie Stark (surprise surprise the main character in the novel!) and how he was so idealistic and how he became entrenched in corruption (btw i think the spiderweb metaphor was effective for tone but really bad as a metaphor). And I was thinking about how Idealistic I am, and couldn't I be so easily corrupted? And I was trying to figure out where he went wrong. Anyway, I was sitting there and I just sort of started writing and I wrote this:
People have these ideas, and they prioritize them in a certain order, find one idea that they hold above all others, they they focus so much of their energy on this one Idea that they forget they even have other ideas or other priorities. Then one day, perhaps the day that their main Idea fails, they wake up and they realize that they have undermined themselves, htat their very idealism had, in taking over, destroyed its own principles. So, to really let your idealism work, you must have a reain on it and keep it in perspective. That way, you can adjust more easily your values and your idealism according to what you've learned. And that way it can work, it can really have a chance to work because you can see the corruption and soothe it instead of using it, and the people will love you because you love them and you love yourself.
Another example (besides Stark) is Teddy Roosevelt. Poor guy sacrificed every principle he had just to acheive his most important goal, and when it failed, I bet he looked back and wished he had held onto the bulk instead. Because when the time comes, you have to ask yourself, is my most important Idea more important than the rest of my ideas put together?
Well that lightened my mood a bit. Of course it did, I'm attempting to convince myself I can succeed. But I still feel rather hollow and pointless. I hope I do well in the meet tomorrow.
g [1/02/2003 10:33:00 PM]
Sorry I haven't posted lately. Okay, well the last couple days. Well, yesterday. I've been busy on youthnoise.com which is a really interesting site. Except I'm already bored with it. I have an argument about government and one about religion going, and the only real dissident in the whole place is this 21year old guy who seems to enjoy pissing people off. I respect him for standing by his opinions, but he's a fundamentalist in every way possible - he's an ultra-conservative libertarian ("I'd like to be living in another time period" he says, meaning the past), and one of those christians who believe that if you don't accept jc as god you are going to hell. I don't want to say he's an idiot or an asshole because that would be disrespectful. But these terms do keep running through my head. Hmm yeah it's just gotten predictable, I guess. I mean, there are two sides to every argument and they are always tolerance or non-tolerance; Joey always takes non-tolerance against everyone else. It gets dumb and old. It's funny though; do you tolerate non-tolerance? I find it awfully hard to. He's really living in the past - he even admits it.
So I think I've ruled out some possibilities as to my political affiliation. I'm not, if Joey is a good example, libertarian. I'm not republican. I'm apparently not a socialist or communist (my radical belief lies in anarchy), um... for some reason I doubt I'm a democrat. Or anything, probably. I'm definitely liberal, but there are some things the government needs to back off about. Hmmm I just feel so damn ignorant. I don't know anything about anything, and it's pissing me off no end. I somehow don't care at this point about what a singer's life was like in the 1930's. It just doesn't feel relevant. I want to learn who I am, I guess, and what I believe in. I want to understand everyone's political beliefs so that I can figure out mine. I want to know what people think works and why they think it. I ... have a whole list of things to learn, and it isn't happening in school right now. Science and math, though graspingly interesting, must be my last priorities right now. From what I've been saying, thinking, doing lately. I mean, heredity is so interesting, and I would love to learn calculus, but how can I apply these concepts if I can't even get to a point where it matters if I apply them. It's like learning ... let me think of a good analogy.... It's like learning how to dial a telephone number before you have anything to say.
Right now I just need to sleep; thinking about learning right now makes it seem impossible. 'Cause I really can't think at 3:30 am.
Hope you all had a good New Year's Eve and whatnot. Enjoy 2003 and make the most of it!!! :)
g [1/01/2003 03:38:00 AM]