arms still shaking. hard to type a little. had to carry box of ceramics projects home today. box got heavy after while. i mean it's just under a mile to my house. shoulders burned, fingers ached, arms shook. i cut my finger but didn't notice til i got home cuz i basically lost feeling in my fingers. uncle offered me a ride once i was already on my street, but i turned him down. didn't want ride from him, didn't want to have to walk around his van to get in. don't want to talk to him. so then when allison my mom's friend passed by and offered i had to turn her down too. have to stop it feels weird it's kinda hard to type. aaron's back, i talked to him little bit on phone last night.
g [5/30/2003 03:14:00 PM]
Time ... to write ... for once.
So helpless. So confused and frustrated. Don't know what to do. So sick of people being depressed, so depressed because they all are. So many people, so little hope. Why? Why don't they see the hope? Why can't I understand them anymore? Why can't I help them? Why do they come to me?? Maybe everyone has a bunch of depressed friends; maybe, I'm the only person who isn't depressed, and so everyone has all these depressed friends but I just notice more because I'm not. But then I am, because I feel so helpless. I can't help them. Who can help them? All I can do is love them, but is it really making any difference? They're still so hopeless, so empty, so dead inside. Why can't I fill that emptiness with my love? Is my love not big enough? Or is my faith not strong enough? Do I have to believe I can make a difference before I am able to? ...So many questions.... I feel like my mom could help them. Maybe. I can't, I'm their peer, I hold no influence, I have no experience, they can't listen to me. How would I know it all works out for the best? Well the truth is it doesn't, not unless you make it. All you got to do is your best, all you got to do is be optimistic and loving. That's all. Then everything will work out, because you'll be happy, and what other point is there? Who cares if you're successful so long as you're happy? And if you make sure you are happy - like I always say, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can - then you will have been successful.
Too many people, too much sadness.... It's so overwhelming, it is this great force, this unknowable, infinite, powerful, irrational sadness that consumes all in its path. How many people could I name? ...one, two, three, four, five, six ... people who are so close to me. I wish I could help them, I wish I could show them light and joy, peace and love. I try. I do my best, but they blind themselves, or it blinds them. They refuse to see. Make that seven. Some more than others, some so so hurt inside, so deep, so bloody a twisted wound, and my medical experience is limited to band-aids and what I happened to glance at in that encyclopedia. Which allows me to recognize the problem, but doesn't tell me how to fix it. Besides, it was out of date. And their pain... they are beautiful but if you open them up, their insides are either so mashed, so mixed up, so broken. Or gone. Some of them tore it out of them, just to be rid of the mess. I don't know how to fix that. I don't know what caused it. I don't know how to help them. Maybe I can be an anesthesia for a moment, but the pain only dulls slightly, I can't make it disappear. I'm no magician, no doctor. How can I help? Not even the doctors can help, how can I possibly? Seven. Each one has his or her own immense pain, and then times seven it is upon me. I feel it, I see it, a dark opaque cloud of blood and dirt about to crash down on me like a breaking tsunami. And seven people swept up in it, some tumbled about at its depths. The don't see the air, see that the cloud is only in my mind. I can look past it, look through it, see my computer, the rainbow on the wall behind my computer. But for them it's real, it is all that exists.
All I can do is hope for them, pray that they find hope themselves.
g [5/22/2003 11:58:00 PM]
: )
I love my Allison Budziak!
g [5/20/2003 06:50:00 PM]
oww...!!
talked to aaron for like four hours on the phone, now my throat reeeeally hurts again. remind me not to talk tomorrow.
g [5/19/2003 02:56:00 AM]
Po... I was wondering today, would you actually be able to kill me? I'm guessing the answer is no. Not physically, I'm sure you're strong enough, but I mean would you be able to mentally, could you kill me? >Sigh< ... because I wanted you to at one point today. Right now though I don't. I mean, I have a lot of homework but if I focus on it piece by piece it can be done. I left and went on vacation; in my place is a really sleepy person who cares less what others think and less about death too. She was wondering, if she breathed in water during gym class - exhaled all her air and then breathed in water, could she kill herself? This would be my last choice way to die, so obviously - Squeak you were right though you didn't know it - it wasn't me today.
Not in a bad mood, for once, for now. Neutral.
g [5/13/2003 09:13:00 PM]
I'm trying to convince you that you don't want me so I won't hurt you won't you believe me please?
g [5/11/2003 06:08:00 PM]
No one more thing. I have (it seems like, don't try to be fucking literal and contradict me) no illusions right now; I expect nothing, believe nothing. All that can happen in the future is that I can create my own illusions. What fun. What a world to look forward to.
I realized that I'm going to be a whore in my next life, let go of all inhibitions and ambitions simply to enjoy my body, my being. Next life is about next life; this life is about every life. Do I believe in reincarnation? Do I believe what I am now saying? Of course not, but the idea is in my head to be believed if I want to. God I hate life I hate being human and thinking - in words - and analyzing and having faith and rejecting faith and analyzing and God thinking and discussing and trying to do what's right when look around all the other animals realize there is no such fucking thing as right and wrong, not as such. And it doesn't matter, but it has to. Nothing matters, but every thing has such a huge impact on every other thing and there is no way to stop it or change it except by accident you always change it but you can't tell in what way it's going to change and Kelsey said hi to me. *Laughs halfway.* I don't trust myself with you, with your feelings with your lives, I don't trust myself with my own life or my ideas or my body. I don't believe in God, in Me, in You; I don't believe in technology. You have your thoughts. They mean nothing to me. Your opinions are my laws, they rule my actions as though I was just a civilian standing on the sidewalk watching my body move, controlled by society, by media, by the me that was created by the you that I created by God. By our parents by forces beyond our control, we are forces beyond our control all we can do is sit back and watch and see what it is that we are going to do. I'm not making sense but you know that somehow somewhere I make more sense than television. Than anything is what I meant to say you see I don't control me but that's a lie because I do I'm just not me, I'm a person but I'm not because I'm not alive, I do not think There are chemicals in my brain. That's not true, we're all alive, I'm trying to include but I don't really believe so I do have illusions, the illusion of a lack thereof. But I doubt even myself. I doubt you. I have no true faith, I doubt myself and we are the only ones that we can believe. You can't trust other people they lie they cheat they decieve because they are evil we all start out as gray but some of us turn darker colors. We all become bigger and brighter as we go on no more intense but are we gray we are always still gray there is no evil I hate evil I hate something that does not exist therefore I hate nothing, I don't hate anything but evil that is not there because evil is black, evil is black black is not evil but the other way round its an analogy don't be weird Kels you know its just an analogy but evil is black, no one is black no one is truly black or white because we all start out as gray. Somehow we all start out as gray and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not knowing I'm right, I mean I'm not right and I'm sorry for it, I wish I was God because then I would know and I could tell you and save you from yourselves or maybe hurry you to destruction if that is better and maybe it is and I want the world to die, I want everything to end when I do, I don't want it to go on without me. I'm not making sense but you know somehow that I am somewhere in here every thing I'm saying makes perfect sense in a puzzle stupid little puzzle where you move the squares around one at a time and there's only one open space and it gets jammed all the time, well that's life and life is jammed right now, and it seems like the puzzle won't ever get solved, the pieces are so goddamn big you can't even see a whole one all at once it doesn't fit on the screen. Your name rings on the telephone. It doesn't really I don't mean that forgive me for lying but I needed to tell you you know what I mean, only you have no idea. I won't tell you what you're thinking but you might think I'm crazy only you don't you think I'm just like you and I have the urge to tell you every weird and perverted not necessarily sexually perverted thing about me, but you don't want to know and anyway this is not me and it isn't my right to tell you those things about Genai it isn't fair God her name isn't Genai, it isn't Genai I swear. That name was a child an innocent child who smiled and was pretty had promise and ambition that name means a promise a love and joy and things she is not. She is numb, I am numb why do I talk in third person this is the second time I've done that, oh it's me again I'm back its me it's Genai I'm here and writing again but before it wasn't me it wasn't me I don't know who I am I'm no one I'm you and I need serious help only it wouldn't help me and Kesey is right insanity is just individualism to an extreme and all they could do is mold me to their ideas so i'd be happy content but who wants to be content when they're really insane oh i'm gone now it's not genai I'm not she. The mouse sits until the cat comes chases it the tail in the air of the mouse on the black or white there's no difference between black and white both of them are the same in different ways or from different angles, hot and cold are exactly the same only your body determines which it wants it to be, through your eyes and reacts accordingly you don't have to die if you think you'll live forever but you can't because you know that you won't you can't get rid of that voice that says you might die but like pain like fear like annoyance or any other feeling it's just interpretation it's just in your head your life is just in your head you might as well just be a head it would be just as well I am jsut a head and you know it but you are afraid to tell me so but I've figured it out and guess what so are you. Fuck you is a couple of words. You know you mean them but you pretend you dont but you don't mean them that way you mean them like the sounds of the words really mean like you don't know but deep down part of you does and you just have to hope that so do they but they won't because they're cardboard cutouts and so am I. I'm made of cardboard and think I am a different being than the tree I was born from you are your mother but more so your father you are he he is you they are not two people everyone is just one person Brahma is the name of Hinduism in its finest form you wish you could be more like that picture that you read on the shelf and I wonder am I not making sense on purpose to confuse you but more because I don't make sense I'm confused myself and am I trying am I thinking what I'm saying are the letters truly just flowing of their own accord but I can pause them to backspace and correct them sometimes but they know you see, they know I know Chicken Run I watched you saw it last night my incense is dead but it calls me still goodbye I want to leave you so badly forever I want to run away I will be a whore in my next life.
g [5/11/2003 06:01:00 PM]
I want to hurt myself, I really have a strong urge to hurt myself. But I don't want to hurt anyone else, so I won't hurt myself. Well I won't hurt myself physically; no matter what I will hurt emotionally. Nothing happened, there is no particular reason for me to feel this way, but I want to give up or to hurt myself very badly. I don't know why, I don't know what it would accomplish, release stress/tension I guess, that's what cutting yourself does you know, scientifically and all. Aaron, in case you read this, the thingy you sent me didn't give me an excuse, so don't think that, just an explanation.
I hate evil, I hate evil, I hate evil.
So disillusioned; everyone needs some illusions, maybe an illusion of hope or happiness, an illusion to suggest that someday ... something will be better. But it won't. I don't know why I'm talking about this, words are just coming out of my fingertips (image of pink, blue, purpleish streams containing letters and words pouring forth from openings in tips of fingers flashes across mind and amuses me briefly).
Incense makes me happy, incense, at least, makes me happy. I want to smell my incense, breathe it in and be happy.
Goodbye.
g [5/11/2003 05:33:00 PM]
When you are this depressed, you should be allowed to miss school without penalty. I can't work in this mindset.
I know you all love me and are worried, and I'm grateful, and you don't have to say it. And I love you too.
g [5/04/2003 05:13:00 PM]
I'm slightly insane. I can feel it pulating on the edge of my vision, threatening to take over. Has it, ever? I don't know. I'm not sure I didn't dream last night; I wrote it down and it felt like I was remembering a dream, and it seems like there are places that don't make sense, the way there are always those telling little glitches in dreams that you can point to afterwards and say, see, it was a dream, I should have known all along. But they aren't that clear, and I know somehow that it happened; besides, I have no other story for yesterday.
I feel I don't belong here. An idealist in a world of pessimists, an innocent amidst sophisticates. I'm not sure I don't agree with you; what's wrong, after all, with smoking and drinking? You've corrupted me, I've corrupted myself more. A little longer and I will be one of you. But I'm not yet; as of now, I'm separate, apart. Not in everything, not in every way, but there are times when I am looking in on your world, and am surprised at what I see, and stay rigidly away, as though it's better out here. But I'm falling apart, the insanity begs to take over. I will stay up late tonight so that I don't have to experience tomorrow. I used to hate it when I was so tired that I couldn't experience the world, but now, I am taking blind refuge in its safety. I am and always will be from Bryn Athyn. There is nothing you can do to change that, and I have the little New Church girl inside of me, squirming and frightened at every hint of disobedience. Any sign of illegality, any whisper of promiscuity. And she is confused, I am confused, and I am falling apart. I am breaking down. My walls are crumbling, my morals are badly wounded under the falling stones. I am no one, I have given up all that I am, I have lost - sacrificed my soul, having found no place for it in this world. Your beliefs have crowded out my own, your shouts have overcome my dreams. Your pessimism has forever stained my being.
It would make little difference if I quit high school. If I stopped showing up, and ran away from you. Because you frighten me, you frighten this little New Church girl, this good little girl. She doesn't understand who you are, how you do the things you do. She doesn't understand your clean consciences. Hers is marred with your thoughts, with her own actions, with the realization of yours. She doesn't understand what has happened in two years ... has she changed as much as she thought, or has she stayed the same and it is you who passed her by? Is she seeing more or less clearly now? She doesn't know. Was she blind before? She is confused, she is numb, I am dead to the world around me, I cannot understand this and so I block it out, and I slowly block it all out and all that is left is raw emotion, muffled under the attempts of my brain to keep me sane.
And I am no longer sane.
g [5/04/2003 04:46:00 PM]