WHO AM I
g [12/30/2002 12:16:00 AM]
I have been thinking lately how very lucky I am. I must have the best luck in the universe. Just when I need support and enthusiasm the most, that is exactly what you give me! And it seems that, of late, when I cross the Pike, traffic has just cleared when I get there. I have the best parents for me, who give me both freedom and support, and I have loving sisters and friends. I have everything I could possible want! Not just materially, but actually everything. And I really don't know why.
g [12/26/2002 03:12:00 PM]
Oh, never mind. I love you guys no end. Talk about support...! But some people annoy me soo much when they don't even try to see things my way! And then I realize that I'm not trying to see things their way, either. One time (as an illustration) back when I was avidly Swedenborgian, my mom and I were outside a laundromat I think - we were on one of our summer expeditions - and there was some guy sitting there. He must have asked us what religion we were, no I don't think he did, but in any case he said that if we sat and talked to him for an hour he could convince us that his religion was the right one. My mom told him she didn't think so, that she had a religion she was very happy with. As we walked away, she told me how much people like that annoyed her, trying to convert everyone to their religion, not accepting anyone elses. Well anyway, I realized that when he said "if you give me an hour, I can convince you," I had been thinking "no you couldn't, but I bet in an hour I could convince you." It really gave me a shock. My insides jumped ten feet, they were so startled. I was being just as pigheaded and close-minded as he was! Perhaps that was a turning point in my life, or something, because it stands out so much in my memory.
g [12/26/2002 03:06:00 PM]
Some things:
I was thinking of not writing in my blog any more. I don't think it's good for me. And besides, I feel bad because I never seem to have time to read yours. "What's not good for you about it?" you might be wondering. Here's a little uh whatsitcalled... anecdote sort of thing to illustrate. I was sitting in the car with my mom, and I was telling her what I want to do with my kids for the holidays (I want to take them to give out presents to those who need them, and give each of them just one - to teach them about giving, not getting (my brothers, especially the older one (6) have been acting very "gimme gimme" this year)). My mom started to say, like, "Yes, but...." And I immediately assumed she was about to bash my beliefs goals and desires. I've just gotten so used to that reaction to anything I say. And it hurts. I don't think it's mostly from you all or anything, but I am thinking of writing my thoughts in Word instead of on the web. Besides, then I can be more free with what I say; I don't have to keep anything secret from prying eyes or stalkers. Will you guys hate me for that? It's just ... well, I told you what it's just. I don't really know right now, so don't hold me to it.
I just wish people could be more understanding.... I used to love arguing, but I think I've gotten tired of doing it five times a day, usually over the same old things. It's not constructive anymore!
I don't want to read any comments you might have made on my last entry. Just in case they're negative. My big ego is very fragile, I have discovered: it is like a very high domed roof with a lot of open skylights. Then I have ... no, I don't feel like making a metaphor of myself right now for everyone to read.
It's so convenient, though. it automatically enters the date and the time....
Let's see... Christmas eve, was it? Or the night before that? I was lying in bed and thought words that have passed through my head many times before: I don't deserve to live, but I don't deserve to die. ...Now, see, is that something I want you all to be reading? It's not something I think right now, so I don't need you to reassure me that I'm wrong.
I question how good of friends we are. I feel so close to you at times, but then I remember when a girl (who is now one of my best friends) moved here for the first time, how long it took before I really considered her to be a good friend. And so I wonder if you feel the same way - or if I am just a cold human being.
Last night I actually went to bed before midnight, about ten minutes before. And yet I woke up at quarter til two. Perhaps it's because I only got five hours of sleep xmas eve. I was hoping to get things done today, though. And now I have less time to. Oh well I'm sure it will all work out.
g [12/26/2002 02:40:00 PM]
If some people are evil ... there is no point in me living. Maybe there is a point for some people, but not not not for me.
I fight for - I stand for - the intrinsic good of every single person. If that doesn't exist - oh it has to, it just it has to exist - if it doesn't, them I do not exist. It would mean I am just a shell of a person; I would live, but I would not Be. I would be as inanimate as a tree, as a stool. I would be dead, because I would kill myself. So please do not disillusion me. If it is an illusion, it is one I need. But I swear it isn't. Though there is always doubt. I swear. On my life, like I said. On the only hope that exists. Because if there are evil people, then war is justified. War. Which is, in and of itself, people on both sides fighting either because they have to, or to protect their country or their honor, or for a cause they believe is just. And if it isn't... Does that make them evil? Just for being ... wrong? I swear it all comes down to ignorance. Oh, God, if you exist.... Why am I crying to God? The god I was taught about believes in evil, and he will not help me.
I am such a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. You should cease being my friends and allow me to curl up in my selfish stupid self-pity and just die. I will drag the whole world down. If there are evil people, Po, then I am just standing in the way of slaughtering them! Then I am just a hindrance to the "just" cause! So, I should die!
. . . Why don't I? . . . Why am I here anyway? If I am so wrong, then why am I here? I don't get it.
Goodbye.
g [12/23/2002 11:33:00 PM]
Three things on my list to write about. I think tonight I will probably only cover one. No, there are four things. But I don't remember what I was going to say about love. So I guess it is three.
Education
Pollution
War
You've heard me moan about war before; tonight I am so hopeless and tortured by it. I just don't understand. How can people put an abstract "cause" ahead of life? I just don't get it; where did the right to kill come from? Oh I have nothing new to say. But when I get to the top of the ladder (is there a top to the ladder?) I am going to bring into effect the complete disarmament of the world. Dammit, how? Not immediately, I know how that would end.... Maybe the ladder will get blown up by a series of nuclear blasts before I reach the top. That is my greatest hope for humanity, that we will blow ourselves to pieces ASAP.
There are things that just wrench at my heart. War is one, and torture; capital punishment, the zoo, and pollution. When I go to the Philadelphia Airport, and I drive past those smoking towers of mass destruction - that is what they are, retarded death to the planet - I feel a personal responsibility. For every puff of nasty, dirty air, smog, I die, because I know that I am helping to perpetuate it. I am driving along the highway. My van is adding to that smog. I get a ride to school when I can. I got my driver's permit today and drove around for an hour. A whole hour of pointless exhaust making it's deadly way toward the ozone. And what is more, I am going to continue doing so. I am going to crush my own childhood dreams of saving the planet, and I am going to drive a minimum of fifty hours so that I, too, will have the right to truthfully say that I am contributing to the earth's destruction. You don't get it; each car adds such a small amount of pollution. But, of course, inevitably, small amounts, millions and trillions of small amounts, add up. I wanted to put off getting my liscense until I would be driving an electric car. This of course was when I was young and naive and understood myself. I don't even know why I'm driving! It is because I can, I suppose. Is there a worse reason? What makes me better than anyone else? Because I know that what I'm doing is wrong? Doesn't that make a person worse, if they are not ignorant? If I am doing something bad and am not ignorant of its badness, am I bad? Am I just stupid? I think that must be it. It definitely must be it. Well, I was thinking, when I am governor of Pennsylvania, maybe I can help somehow. Mybe I can put the car manufacturers out of business. No, though, I couldn't do that. You see, what I was thinking (last night as I drove to the airport to pick up my sister) is that I could put a restriction on how many cars could be on the highway. A sort of carpooling rule or something, that your car must be at least two thirds full. That doesn't matter. I was thinking, I could take control of the mass transit. Get them to produce more buses, because everyone would have to take them to get anywhere far away. Get them to lower the cost, too. --- And I was laughing at how socialistic that is, and how serious I am about doing it. I suppose I am a socialist in many ways, then. Who would want a socialist government? I wouldn't. But then, I wouldn't want any government at all. --- But if you think about it, if everyone was forced to take mass transit, pollution would be so decreased, along with traffic. Lif would be better. Except that people would complain because they could only leave to go somewhere on the half hour. Wouldn't that be inconvenient? But I guess there would be an exception for emergencies. How that would work I don't know. They couldn't pull them over and have them explain, because if it is an emergency then they wouldn't have the time to stop.
I was thinking about education, too. But this was earlier, the other day when I was walking home from school. It was actually thanks to Natasha, cause she wrote her decathlon speech on education and its problems. Of course I've thought about it before, but this started my really seriously thinking. Or, Thinking, rather, with a capital T. Yes, so what was I thinking about? Well, I notice every day how little interest my fellow students have in learning. Most of them, it seems, are in school and are taking the classes they are taking, because they have to be; they seem to do extra things for the sole purpose of Being Able to Put it On Their Transcript. That is not what life is about! Life is not College, my dears. It is beyond that, and believe it or not, before it. But we do need to learn. Knowlege is everything; education is everything. Violence, war, all the things that make me angry or hurt, they are the result of ignorance. Some are the result of hate, which, I seem to have gathered, is very much a result of ignorance. I don't want anyone getting defensive because I am telling them that they hate someone out of pure ignorance. But I don't exactly see a way around it; if people don't want to be told they are ignorant, then they will take offence. Their bad I guess. But back to my point. That seems a good direction to be heading, eh? (Yes, I'm a closet Canadian, there I said it.) I want to make schools a good place. Less boring, and less obligatory. Of course, students would have to go to school, and would have to take some courses that challenge them; you see, they need to learn to want to learn. I learned that very early, and it's apparently paid off. Well I was thinking, anyway, that high school students (after having a love of learning instilled in them during childhood of course) should have eons more freedom. In what classes to take, is what I am thinking. Most of my spanish class, for instance, really doesn't want to speak spanish, but only take the course to gain the required credits. I feel sorry for them; they should not be forced into it. They aren't learning anything because they don't want to learn anything. If students are allowed to take the classes they want - and easier classes would be worth less credits, so if they took all easy classes they would have to take a lot of them and it wouldn't be so easy then - they might actually be willing to get out of them what they were intended to receive. But would they? That is the difficult question. Are high school students, the ones I want to help, ambitious enough to want to take any classes at all? If they have to take enough difficulty on, will they choose to take on challenges, and will they choose to take on the challenges that they want to use for the future? Will the students who right now take honors classes just so that they can get into a good college, still take the most challenging classes so it will look good, despite what they really yearn to do? Would a small district be able to facilitate such an extensive program? Oh, I am so worried for the students who don't give a damn about the future: those who ignore what they want to do what they need, and those who ignore what they need to do what they want. Oh, I'm so scared for them. I sometimes act that way, and then I'm scared for myself, too. But I think I understand. Which probably means that I don't: a wise person knows that they know nothing. Which I know, but I often forget. Why do I bother to think out these ideas of mine? I know that when I actually have a chance to make a difference, the ideas I have now will seem ridiculous, and I will have to think of new things, and will feel silly for actually having thought the things that I think now. It is like my artwork; I look back on pictures I drew that, at the time, looked perfect and amazing, and they are childish and very bad. I think, now, that I have a firm grasp of what really does look good, but I know that as I improve, even what I do now will look so very childish. It causes quite a drop in confidence, I must say. And yet, continuing in necessary; if I stopped now and only started up again when I was an adult and ought to be able to do my best, I would be at or probably below the level I am at today. But practice is very unfulfilling.
So I did get to everything. I mentioned zoos, and I didn't go into detail there, but if you could understand why I can't stand zoos, well then you would understand why I am a vegetarian, or at least, you would understand part of it. I am constantly frustrated by the lack of understanding.
My vegan venture ended yesterday, with the score between Autumn and I tied at 5 each. I, since then, have had lasagna with lots of cheese, a bean burrito with sour cream - no, two - and cheese cake; and french toast that we had for dinner last night. And I wince every time, to think that I am supporting the people who pen in the cows and force them to give milk, or pen in the chickens so tight they can hardly breathe and force them to give eggs - "no, twice as many! Do you want to end up in KFC?! More, More!" And give them hormones to make them go faster, or to make them bigger, or fatter, or leaner, or have twice as many legs. I'm not doing it for me, for health and such, I'm fucking doing it for the chickens, the cows, the gorgeous little poor overfed underrated pigs.
Should a person give up one cause, just because there are bigger and more important causes out there? Because, yeah, there are. But someone has to look out for the underdog. Someone. Well, I can tell you this: I'm fairly sure I haven't met them yet. Oh, ambition. I cry I moan I plead ambition, sir. I'm not guily, your honor. I plead Ambition. Just like some people say, I plead insanity. Ambition.
Oh, creating a soccer team would look good on my transcript. Going to Harvard would look good on my resume. But what will really help me to learn, to do what needs to be done and do it the best way possible? I think I'm crossing Harvard off my list; I don't think it's good enough for me. It will be difficult, selecting a college. I want to be academically in the middle; I want it to be challenging, but ... I've gotten the impression that a place like Harvard is, well, petty. People who have high IQ's go to learn more insignificant facts and figures. Perhaps I'm wrong. That is why I've not crossed it off yet: I don't know really what it is like there.
Oh I'm talking about unimportant things again. Well, obviously important to me, but not in the slightest important to you. Which alerts me to the fact that, well, for one thing, its twenty of one, and for another, it's time for me to go. I think I've gotten a lot accomplished here.
g [12/22/2002 12:42:00 AM]
I am slowly,
Painfully watching
My Country
Go
To War.
Ouch. I feel like I'm pulling with all my might in a tug-of-war against an army tank. Who's going to win, what a mystery. It's slowly dragging me forward; I physically feel the pull. And I can't let go, not now that I've started hanging on. I can't even slow it down; I'm so small and insignificant, so weak. Oh, ow, ow, ow.
g [12/20/2002 04:07:00 PM]
I crave attention, I was realizing today. I feel good when people talk to me as opposed to someone else, but if they talk to someone else and could be talking to me, I feel lousy.
Oh nevermind. Can't think. Must sleep and/or watch TV. aaaaaaaaagh
g [12/20/2002 03:59:00 PM]
Another good day! I have nothing I have to do in school tomorrow...! I have plenty for homework though. But I decided just to stay up all night; who needs sleep anyway? Not really though. I'm already sleep-deprived.
Natasha what happened to Decathlon tonight? Was it at a different time, too? It's ok, though. I was sitting there bored and reading the sections I was meant to have already read in The Enormous Binder, and I see a few people walk past and into the pool. Actually before that, I saw a bunch of members of the swim team come back from the meet (apparently kelsey was special and didn't need to go inside). Yeah so anyway, it's at least 7:30, maybe 8. (I was going to finish the reading and then walk home.) This guy comes out of the "natatorium" door, asks me if I want to dive with him and his friend, standing behind him. I said "not really..." I had no clue who they were, or if I knew them. I didn't have my contacts in. He looked kinda like Paul. From that distance. Anyway "Are you studying?" yeah. for what? etcetera. He invited me to go watch them diving. After they went back in, and I was sitting there trying to read about what art is and dumb stuff like that. I finished off the section and, being really bored, decided why not and went in, cautiously. I stood right near the entrance for a minute, then walked over. His name is Nick. He's a junior; his friend, Jeff, is a sophomore. Well you don't care about what we talked about, but the point I guess is that it was fun and made me feel good. Guys used to kind of ignore me. Well it made me feel like I'm attractive. When I was about to leave he asked me if I was going to come to diving more often. "sure." right. mondays, wednesdays, thursdays, did he say? same time. no, he didn't ask me for my number, of course he didn't bc what would he have written it on, his towel? I don't know he would've anyway. That's not the point. As I said.
So, good end to good day. Except it's not the end bc I have to do my portfolio and maybe some other stuff. Oh yeah, a math ws.
After school today, my Twin and I hung up soccer posters, telling people to sign the petition thingy. I'm soo happy. I feel like a worthy human being, and like I'm good at stuff.
Heh heh. Just remembering in American Studies today. Why did I sit up on the ledge-y thing? you might be asking. Well, I don't know. I just kinda felt like it. I don't like having my stuff all in my face, and not having any room or anything. And, I wanted to ... not stand out, really, but I wanted to put myself out there, and be active in the conversation. What that has to do with sitting out of my seat, you probably will never know.
Which reminds me, because it is something else no one will ever understand, I tried to explain to Grant today why I'm vegan. "what's that?" he asks. what is a vegan. Actually I didn't really try, because when I do I just get all worked up for nothing. You know what bothers me? When people try to convince me I'm wrong, and think they've made a good point, and you can just see the satisfaction leaking out of their face into the air. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONVINCE ME THAT IT'S OKAY, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!! I want to s c r eeeeeeee a m at them.
Alright, but to finish what I was saying before, my seating of choice has some rooting in Mike being teacher's pet. He's still in his teacher's pet position, right up front where he can reach mr pezza's ass to kiss it. I'm being really mean in saying that, and I don't mean it so harshly. I'm no better, being jealous of him for it. So I decided to sit out of my seat. This would accomplish a couple things. Besides that it was fun and I felt really cool today in my whateveryouwanttocallit. I was testing him to see if he would tell me to take my seat. I wonder if someone else did it, would he yell at them? And then also I would like I said stand out. Mike stands out, front seat that he has, and even more when he sits in that chair ready to put a tape in or something. So what, I want to stand out. If you think there's something wrong with it, too bad. ...Actually I was afraid people would feel resentful because of it, and I felt pretty bad if they did.
Wow I'm really mean. Mike's cool. It's not like he's going to stop watching the news.
Haha I love myself today. Isn't it odd how very bipolar I am? I'm either ecstatic like right now, or depressed. I pointed that out before. The only time I'm close to the middle is when I'm too tired to know which I am. Or if I'm bored.
I hope I'm not mean...!
I love having friends. I have so many amazing friends. I can't believe sometimes that all these people would bother to talk to me. hehe only trouble is buying so many xmas presents! I think a lot of people will be receiving New Year's presents instead this year. : )
Hmm my high is starting to wear off, and I'm getting tired. I'm going to get my jacket cause I'm cold and then do my homework before I'm completely asleep.
Love you!
Genai
g [12/19/2002 10:08:00 PM]
What a good day I had! I was so awake today - well, not so awake, but I was relatively awake. Until Bio, that put me right to sleep! Very much so, too; I stayed asleep pretty much til halfway through swim practice. Then I got really hyper. Despite the fact that when we were supposed to do five 200's with every other one being choice and every other one being drill which is a lot harder, I did drill for all of them, cause I forgot (and apparently no one noticed I was doing the wrong thing, even when they ran into me cause I was going slow!!) Until she stopped us after the fourth one, because the divers forced us to. Oh well. :)
Something put me in a good mood befoer that though. Actually I was in a good mood all day. I did well on my PSATs - 77, 72, 69, in that order. I don't feel like going upstairs just to see which part was math and which was verbal - the 69 was in writing skills. Questions 11, 12, and 18 I don't see why I got them wrong. I guess I'm stupid or something? haha I don't really think I'm stupid, but I guess there's some rule or something I don't know that each of those involved. Anyway, so I was in a good mood, but Bio put me to sleep despite my interest in learning, and next I had study hall. Thank goodness I didn't have gym! But study hall is usually sooooo boring, and I have no one to talk to, so I just sit, try to sleep, read, something, and I'm dying of boredom. Well, as I walk in, Doug says something to me, I think about my PSAT scores, so I walk over. He and I haven't been particularly "tight" in the past, I mean we say hi and whatnot, but anyway, I figure what the hell and I sit down in the desk next to the one he was currently occupying. I'm doing my homework, he's doing his, he asks me a question. I finish whatever I had been doing, and pick up All the King's Men. I made some remark about how sad it was. He says he's reading Of Mice and Men ... blah blah blah. I would bore you with the details of our conversation, but it would probably ... just that: bore you. The point is, we talked on and off the rest of the period and it made me feel loved, and ... it was a good conversation too. So I was in a good mood for my Spanish test. hehe. Actually spanish tests so far are the easiest things for me; I'm in Spanish 1, meaning my second year (last year was conversational).
Yeah.... It was a good day.
Oh, another reason it was a good day!! I've begun learning to play the drumset, and my practice songs are (randomly, from cd's I haven't listened to in years) TLC Unpretty and Backstreet Boys We've Got it Goin On. The rhythms are pretty easy, but in the latter, there is a -- quarter beat I guess, in which the hi-hat is opened. I couldn't handle that much during my first lesson, so I didn't know when it was, and I'd been practicing without it. Until today. I just listened for a bit, and I figured it out! Every four beats, just before the fourth, or maybe it's the second, beat, you lift the hi-hat for just one hit. (You hit it twice a beat.) Okay, so a half a beat I guess. But still. Then I could put it all together, and it sounded just right! I was so happy! I can't wait til I can have another lesson and he can teach me fillers and stuff!
Homework time! xoxoxo I love you! I love the world, and myself! Oh happy day...
ps wow I just tried to publish this, and it didn't work; it was taking forever I knew it was going to mess up, so I quick selected the entry and hit ctrl-c. thank goodness I did!
g [12/18/2002 07:26:00 PM]
I had an opportunity the other day to exercise my ability to do good. But I chose not to, and I regret it. All it would have taken was "Would you like some help?" If they declined, I could have gone on my way feeling good for offering, and if they accepted, I would have made their lives just a tiny bit better by simply picking up a few bottles and putting them in the bins. And I would feel better for it too. If just keep saying "next time..." I'll never help anyone.
g [12/14/2002 06:18:00 PM]
Let me tell you how changing schools has changed me. At my old school, I had four friends, three in one group and one in another. They were my best friends; I didn't even have "regular" friends, who weren't as close; everyone was either a (fairly close) acquaintance, or my best friend. If I had continued to go there, I would not have reached out and made a lot of new friends. Maybe a couple, but certainly not as many as I have amassed here. I would have stayed within my comfort zone; I wouldn't have learned the skill of making new friends, and I wouldn't have friends outside my grade level. Plus, college would have been a bad time to start realizing that people outside my little universe can be completely different from the people within. And yet, you guys are all so much the same. Teenagers. We all go through the same sorts of things, so of course we're similar.
I think this is the most badly written entry yet. : )
g [12/12/2002 05:51:00 PM]
I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!
g [12/11/2002 09:31:00 PM]
I see you guys are starting to take your revenge on me. I guess it makes sense, I hardly ever read your blogs, so you should hardly ever read mine. :-( But I really appreciate all the comments and everything
I love my Twin! :-D
g [12/11/2002 07:02:00 PM]
I wrote this a couple days ago, and would have put it in my blog then, but my internet wasn't working too well.
I really hate video games. And cartoons. It’s not the violence, like a lot of people say. What gets me about them is how they all brainwash kids into the concept of “good versus evil” – it’s perfect; when there’s a war or something, the kids know they’re not the evil, so they must be the good and the other guys are the “bad guys.” They see something on TV, we just blew up an ammunition plant in Iraq, or something like that, and they ask, “But they’re the bad guys, right Mommy? We’re killing the bad guys, cause we’re the good guys.” Bam, bam. I don’t mean to say that it’s some government conspiracy or anything, but if you make war into a game – have you seen those video games about war, they’re so real looking – only the actual person playing doesn’t get injured or die, just a little figure on the screen. And the enemy; they’re not just the “enemy,” they are very distinctly the “bad guys.” They’re evil, mindless, destructive bullies, mowing down civilians along with soldiers. And so is the “good guy” but no one looks at it that way, because they have the “right” motive. “No, little kid,” Mommy needs to say, “they’re not the bad guy, and we’re not the good guy. In real life, it’s not like that; we all have reasons to fight each other, and no one is right or wrong.” …Or we’re all wrong. But they don’t, and the people who make the games aren’t trying to brainwash little kids. Because the adults have all been brainwashed with the same idea. They believe this idea, and like self-replicating robots, they mindlessly pass it on, self-destructing the human race without knowing it.
g [12/11/2002 06:55:00 PM]
A funny thing about me: I'm always thinking about one of two things - a really smashing topic for a Harvard entrance essay, and/or a gripping speech to give while campaigning to be president. It's silly; it's not like I'll remember any of it, but I guess it's practice sort of. Well, my most recent idea is for the essay. No comments needed on this one, k? I could write an essay about why my less-than-stunning grades (meaning A's instead of A+'s) actually reflect the kind of values that they would want at their school: independance, willingness to try new things, and an ability to not allow grades to rule my life. Okay, maybe it's dumb, and it's probably been done beofer. I HAVE to come up with something that has never been done before. Completely unique, not to mention genius. I have to, of course, blow them away, despite the fact that they are reading thousands of essays written by legal geniuses. And I think, well, you know what, if that is what they are looking for at Harvard... if Harvard is a place where you learn a bunch of insignificant facts, maybe it really just isn't the place for me. But what do I know? I've never been there.
g [12/10/2002 10:55:00 PM]
I really feel like an idiot today, and right now. Shall I tell you why? Well you don't have a choice; of course I'm going to tell you.
Hm, let's see, where should I begin? Well, I'm on the honor roll, but not distinguished, which I thought for sure I would be. I'm upset about that, and then of course because I am who I am, I'm upset that I am upset about something so very insignificant. Which in turn is stupid - why would I make myself feel worse about something I already feel bad about? Anyway, next thing. I like someone, and I don't want to like anyone right now, because I'm sick of liking them and liking them and slowly giving up; it ain't fun. Although, he is basically perfect, for me, because he's intelligent and well-informed (which I'm not), and I could learn from him -- and I like talking to him, and he wow oh shoot I can't describe him in a lot of detail because he very well could read my blog; it's in my profile after all. But anyway yeah so then of course there's hoping he likes me too and all that silly stress that comes along with it. Wait a sec, why does that make me feel like an idiot? It doesn't, does it? It's just annoying. Well, anyway, I also feel stupid because of Academic Decathlon; I'm an "A" student, but the thing is, I'm really bad at memorizing and at remembering names and things; I excel at "concepts" there's no way I'm going to do well. I feel so ignorant; everyone seems to know these random facts that I just don't, and I fucking wish I had time to watch the news Mr Pezza. (hehe and yet I have time to write all this, oh shut up). I'm also an idiot for not going to swimming this morning, and for losing my goggles. And because I don't have a clue what to do with this "secret psycher" thing. And because I didn't work on my ceramics project in lunch yesterday, OR study Mock Trial. And I'm so stupid and disorganized right now that I'm not even going to get to do what I want for MT am I? Damn me!!!! I need to wash my clothes, too, I have hardly anything to wear. I'm an idiot because I put things off.
Well I feel somewhat better, and somewhat worse, because what am I doing? I'm putting things off. Jeez, time to stop, Genai. Go do your homework or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
g [12/10/2002 10:07:00 PM]
And I just see myself like Willie Stark, as a naive puppet of a machine, idealistic and fighting, urging, trying to make people listen to the facts that bore them so much. And I can see myself losing without ever knowing.
g [12/08/2002 08:58:00 PM]
"You come into a strange place, into a town like Mason City, and they don't seem real, but you know they are. You know they went wading in the creek when they were kids, and when they were bigger they used to go out about sunset and lean on the back fence and look across the country at the sky and not know what was happening inside them or whether they were happy or sad, and when they got grown they slept with their wives and tickled their babies to make them laugh and went to work in the morning and didn't know what they wanted but had their reasons for dion things wanted to do good things, because they always gave good reasons for the things they did, and then when they got old they lost their reasons for doing anything and sat on the bench in front of the harness shop and had words for the reasons other people had but had forgotten what the reasons were." - Robert Penn Warren, All The King's Men
g [12/08/2002 03:03:00 PM]
Why are we fighting? I can hardly remember. I've drowned myself in trying to see from everyone's perspective. It won't ever work either. I am in America, so I recieve American propaganda. If I went to Iraq, I would most likely be killed. That wouldn't help anyone, now would it. Oh, I am so idealistic, and there is nothing I can do about it. I will always think that everyone has a good reason for everything. The trouble is, there's no way to prove myself wrong. And I don't want to. If I proved myself wrong, I would have to come to the conclusion that not only is war inevitable but that it is necessary. And then, wouldn't I be kind of proving myself right? Oh, it just doesn't make any sense anymore.
People keep telling me I can't succeed, and I keep believing them.
g [12/08/2002 12:05:00 PM]
My heart overflows with love. I love my friends! ...I love you guys!
I am idealistic, Irina, but at least I know it, and I try to be realistic about it: "everything turns out for the best, but the worst always happens in between." And, for instance, I believe in communism - but I know it wouldn't work in today's world, just some day far away after I'm dead. lol, I am an oxymoron. I'm an optimistic pessimist, a realistic idealist, and a future anarchist president. Among other things. I laugh about it sometimes. --Now, I know that I'm not always realistic, and everything, I'm just saying that I try to be, which is more than many idealists can say ;)
g [12/06/2002 09:52:00 PM]
My hair is full of chlorine. But my bathtub is filled with shoes and gloves and coats and things. No, it's not my personal bathroom, but it's closer than the upstairs one, so I always use it. I went to go upstairs, and I heard water running into the tub (the door was closed) I figured it was my mom, so I called "Is that Mom in there?" No one answered, so I knocked. My mom answered, surprise surprise. I complained "How am I supposed to wash the chlorine off me if you're up here and-" my mom interrupted me. "Go away Marianne," she said in an angry sort of voice. Then she said it again, as I tried to tell her I'm not Marianne I'm Genai. So the chlorine is being given extra opportunity to ruin my slowly lengthening hair.
g [12/06/2002 06:52:00 PM]
Moms...!
g [12/05/2002 12:28:00 PM]
Kels, my computer messed up so I couldn't comment, but I saw your analogy, and you're exactly right. The "People In Charge" really do seem to think about war like it's one big game; they don't seem to realize that the ships and people are real and that the life they are expending is not expendable.
g [12/05/2002 08:40:00 AM]
If I had experienced equal treatment when I was a child, maybe I would be able to accept "men just are stronger than women," or maybe I would have stronger proof otherwise.
I should complain to my elementary school. They do not use "separate but equal" and they should; they should have to. I'm not talking about race, though; I'm talking about gender. Up through third grade, the boys and girls had gym class together. We all had to do pull-ups. Back then, most of the guys could only do a couple. I could do two pull-ups, real ones, not jumping up like some of the lazy girls did. Then, in fourth grade, they split up the boys and girls. We girls no longer did pull-ups. We never did pushups, and we didn't run much either. I can't do even one pull-up now. I blame it on the school for not having an effective PE program, at least for girls. The guys seem to do alright. They get to play rough-and-tumble sports. When the girls wanted to play floor hockey, we had to wear goggles to protect our eyes. The rules were always modified so the game was gentler and easier. They turned us into wimps, weak little flowers who need men to carry heavy objects. Isn't that era supposed to be over? Aren't women supposed to be independant? How can we be?
In eighth grade, it was the worst it had ever been. Even the lazier girls knew it was way too easy. We played simple kids' games like duck-duck-goose and rock-paper-scissors (running ten feet when you won a round). We played a game called "look up, look down." Do you know what that entailed? Standing in a circle and looking up and looking down. Don't get me wrong, it was an entertaining game, but it didn't exactly work any parts of our bodies, besides our necks. "Physical Education," the class is called. Well, I did not get educated on how to do anything physical. I had to be taught this year, in tenth grade, how to do a push-up correctly. I probably don't know the rules in most sports, because we always played with a "girl" version. That sort of discrimination makes me really mad. And it gave the boys too many opportunities to mock the girls. "You play the girl version? That's so stupid. You can't play with us, you guys suck." And we did. Because we were never allowed to do any better. I don't know any plays in any sports; I am really bad at a lot of sports because I don't know any little tricks. It makes us girls look bad. ...Plus, guys are often better in sports because they are expected to play sports outside of school, and to work out; if they don't, they get made fun of. Girls, on the other hand, are not; if a girl went to the gym as much as a guy, and worked up really strong muscles, everyone would make fun of her. Stereotypes shut doors on opportunities. It's really hard to catch the door before it slams shut; you have to sprint, and if you're lucky maybe you can force it back open.
"You can't be president because you're a girl." "For a woman to get to be president, she would have to be really hot." These are stereotypes that I have to directly deal with; I can't believe people actually think like that, especially in my generation. Apparently the future is still a long way off.
g [12/05/2002 08:02:00 AM]
Today my mood went bakc and forth depending upon people's reactions to my petition. Some people would be soo enthusiastic, and it made me really happy and excited, but then someone would say something about why it wouldn't work. Here are their reasons: funding; we'd have to either remove another girls sport or add a boys one; the nearest school in our league is an hour away. These are their words, and I'm not even sure if everything they said was completely true ... but it probably is ... except, my counselor said that funding wouldn't be a problem. If it was, I would be so willing to raise as much money as was needed. So would a lot of the girls who signed up; they were so enthusiastic. But I doubt that is even a problem. The trouble is, our school is pretty small, and we already have three girls' sports per season, and if we add another one - would we have enough girls for all the sports? I'm getting pretty depressed and hopeless. But maybe if I really get a lot of girls to say they want to play soccer, maybe then they will really consider it. You have no idea how much I want to play soccer. It's not my life, or I would be good enough for a guys' team, but I haven't played in a couple years (if you don't count the two - three weeks on the boys soccer team) and I miss it so much. It's the best sport ever. That and badminton, but that is so beside the point.
g [12/04/2002 07:45:00 PM]
Anyone have any suggestions to help me write a better petition here?
[MY SCHOOL] NEEDS A GIRLS’ SOCCER TEAM!
This petition is designed to locate the girls in our high school who love soccer and would want to play on a team if/when it was formed.
We, the undersigned, wish to form a [My School] girls’ soccer team. If a team is formed, we will join it and stick with it. We are willing to commit ourselves, and to do our best, although we may not be the best soccer players.
I am willing to commit to soccer as a:
Fall sport
Spring sport
(If either would be fine, please sign under both sections)
--And then places to sign of course--
Yeah, so I would really appreciate help making it perfect, because i want it to work SOOO badly
g [12/03/2002 09:34:00 PM]
I just wanted to state my opinion of Harry Potter right now, while it's not being influenced by who I'm with. I read the first book, and thought it was kind of interesting, it was pretty fun to read, but I was not interested in reading the other books. One of my friends "made" me. I have now read the first, second, and third books, thought they were alright, maybe even pretty good, but I've been more obsessed if you know what I mean. I'm probably going to read the fourth book at some point, although it's pretty low on a long list of books to read, and I never seem to have the time to start anything. And now you Harry Potter fans are going to yell at me.
I used to be obsessed with The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, but after the sixth book or so, the characters become static and the plots get old. Before that, oh God help me, I read the Redwall books. Those got boring faster. Every single book has the same exact plot structure; Jaques just throws in new names I swear. But why am I telling you what books I've read? And not even the good ones. I'm not going to go off listing every good book I've read, though. I think I'm pretty good at judging books by their covers; I can tell usually whether I'm going to like it or not and what mood I should be in to read it. They do tend to try and make it obvious, after all. :)
g [12/02/2002 01:37:00 PM]
I went to go get my permit; it was so perfect: we don't have school today. I would drive around all day. But the driver center is closed on Mondays. How idiotic of them! I mean, how can I go some other day? I would have to wait til Saturday, because after school I have swimming, and the center is only open til 4:15! Ugh. Some people.
Well so my mom and I went to get the food for my birthday dinner tonight. (We also ended up getting some other stuff - I'm so good at convincing my mother!) I'm having tofurky, because I really wanted it on Thanksgiving and we couldn't have it because as you recall we went to my cousins' house. And for dessert? Yummy cake - we got egg substitute so it'll be vegan - and soy delicious "ice cream." Mint fudge swirl. Yummy!!! I love my mom. She let me get bbq un-ribs that looked interesting, and ... well, usually if I want something, she lets me have it. Wow do I sound spoiled! But it's not like I ask for everything in the store, I know how and when to be reasonable.
I have swimming in two hours. I have to remember to take my contacts out before I go.
g [12/02/2002 12:32:00 PM]
Maybe I don't want to go to college. Maybe intead I just want to go out and learn though experience. Then when I'm done with that, I'll come home, run for public office, and start taking college courses ... online or something. I need to find a balance - I don't want to get stuck in the rigid lines that society has drwan, while at the same time I want to stay enough within those lines that people will respect and listen to me so that I can make a difference.
Ha. I have hope. I was telling Kristin - the friend I've always had - how I'm bound to change my mind about wnating to be president some time in the next 20 years. That's been really getting me down lately. But she said that I've wanted to do that since she could remember. Of course I haven't always; there was that stint during which I wanted to be a minister, but the one thing that has remained constant is that I want to do something with my life that will really make a difference in the world. And you know what else has remained constant? Kristin. And if I can keep a friend for that long, I can keep a dream for long enough to live it out, too.
Pardon any cheesiness in that last paragraph, but I don't really care if you think it's cheesy because I need self-inspiration every now and then, and I'm going to write down everything I think. Even if it isn't important in any way except to me. Ha! See! Selfishness, right there! ;)
One of my friends doesn't want to go to college, she wants to be a singer or something. It's funny, though, because she's really smart, and a talented writer too. So everyone expected her to want to go to college. Hehe, well F expectations, I say!
Yeah, I'm sick of swearing. People don't tend to think as highly of someone who swears a lot, and it's a habit I don't need. I mean, I don't really care if people swear around me - as long as they don't do it around little kids - but if I start now, I might find it hard to stop when I really need to.
I write a lot, don't I? And I don't even say much. I'd save space if I indented instead of double spacing between paragraphs. But I don't like the way it looks, especially when there are a couple one-line paragraphs in a row. Well, that's all for now, but I'm going to leave the window open in case I think of anything else to terrorize you people with.
g [12/01/2002 10:56:00 PM]
I keep wanting to write something interesting, stimulating, something to make you think, but I keep coming up with the same old things. It's really starting to bug me. Well I guess I can't get totally excited about every cause or I wouldn't be able to make a significant difference for any one of them. I don't know. "Watch the news" says Mr Pezza. I don't like to watch the news, it's mostly a bunch of insignificant stuff anyway, and it's usually depressing. I have right now a low sense of political efficacy. Well of course I do, I'm only 15 (sixteen tomorrow).
I have a friend that I've been friends with since we were around two years old, and it is such a warm and comforting thought to know that there is someone who, for my entire life, I will always be able to count on. We've never fought either. We decided yesterday that the one difference between us is that I like mint tea and she doesn't. Of course that's not really true; she's not vegetarian and she believes in God, but....
Yeah, my biggest problem right now, the thing that bugs me the very most, is that I can't do anything to change the world. Not yet. All I can do is sit in a classroom and take notes and do my best to get good grades so that when the time comes that I can do something, I'll be a well-informed individual. Who hopefully people will listen to.
I don't even care about myself. That is, right now. Sometimes I'm very selfish indeed, but at this moment in time, I just ... I just want to ... help. I don't know. ...How many times a day do I say that - "I don't know"? It depresses me a lot of times. I don't know anything. That's the trouble with this world; we're all so uninformed. Even in the "Information Age". Yes, even. I want to go live in a "third world" country for a year, just to see what it's like for them, and what their story is. I want to go visit prisons, and talk to the "criminals" and see if somehow I could help them . . . someday.
Why did apes ever evolve?
g [12/01/2002 10:32:00 PM]
I've been very happy the last couple days, and it's starting to scare me; usually I'm depressed about something. Not that I'd rather be depressed, I'm happy being happy!
Anyway.... You know how music artists are all mad because people download their music for free? I think that's silly; they're entertainers, and if they just want money they should have to do something else. They shouldn't get as much money as they do already. Except those bands that are just starting out; I feel bad for them, barely making any money at all. But that isn't what life's about, it's about doing what you love.
I hate the idea of the death penalty, but I also don't like life sentences. They're the same thing if you ask me, except the one is more prolonged. I believe that everyone can change, and we ought to give them an opportunity, and also a reason, to change. It's no use to just punish crimes, you have to solve problems from their root.
g [12/01/2002 08:08:00 PM]