[ Friday, November 29, 2002 ]
Tiiiiiired. Today was a tired day. But a good day nonetheless. Good night.
g [11/29/2002 11:33:00 PM]
I have to write lists about everything or I get really stressed out and forget things. It's funny. (funny as in hahaha)
I'm not going to get started about swimming and Tom and stuff, maybe next time, if you beg me. Which you won't I'm sure so I'm basically just not going to write anything about swimming today.
Except, I will say, Squeaky wasn't there I'm very disappointed in her, and also my mom and dad got up at 4 - 4:30 and went out - on Black Friday - and got me really nice goggles and a swim cap. I love them so much! It sounded like they had fun, too.
TGIF. My birthday is in THREE DAYS!!!! And I don't have school! I'm getting my permit and driving around all day.
Back on the subject of lists, since I forget what else I was going to say, I'm going to go write a list now of everything I have to do this weekend, then schedule my time, and then probably see if one of my friends wants to hang out or something. It's funny, because even if I don't do everything on my list, I feel better; at least I know exactly how much of what I needed to do I didn't do.
:)
Genai
g [11/29/2002 12:53:00 PM]
[ Thursday, November 28, 2002 ]
How very strange. I said that I had "attempted" to write an entry but it messed up. Apparently it published it even though I never told it to. How odd. And I apologize for the repetition.
g [11/28/2002 10:51:00 PM]
It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. We didn't have our big feast with yams and mashed potatoes and a nice Tofurky; instead, we went to our cousins' house up the street. It was fun, I guess, but there wasn't tons of food for vegetarians. I ate enough, as much as I would any regular night, but I was far from being that contented Thanksgiving sort of stuffed. The conversations weren't the most stimulating I've ever had, either. One of my cousins (she's 12) kept vetoing topics of conversation because they were too "smart" for her. It was cute, not whiny or annoying, except the result was many topics like "would you rather be pepper or salt?" Once home from this hoppin' party, my family had popcorn for supper and we watched Snow White. Then I attempted to write in my blog, but it messed up, and my paragraph or so was lost. I was called upstairs to play Scrabble. Which started off well, but I ended up with an unplayable Q, and Mars won by going out first.
On a totally different subject, I currently "strongly dislike" the person I Like. Is that odd? It seems like it to me. But I think I dislike him right now because I've given up hope of requition (which is not a word, but work with me here) and am attempting to wein myself of my silly crush. Although he really does seem to be doing everything in his power to make me hate him. He keeps telling me I can't be president, fist because I'm female (how idiotic) and, most recently, because I'm agnostic. Also he makes fun of my vegetarianism. Everyone in [that class] was making fun of vegetarianism yesterday, and it really pissed me off. Except Po, of course, and also Steve (he's so nice). I'm fairly sure there are other things that seemed like >><< was trying to make me hate him, but they're slipping my mind. And I'm sure he isn't actually trying to make me hate him, but it really feels like it now and then.
Well have a happy thanksgiving, if at all possible. Squeaky and Kels, I'll see you at swimming tomorrow morning! I need new goggles and a swim cap and another bathing suit very badly.
Pessimistically,
Genai
(I feel like Eyore just about now; my whole entry has been in a dull pessimistic monotone...!)
g [11/28/2002 10:49:00 PM]
It's thanksgiving. Should I be writing a list of everything I'm thankful for? Probably. Last year, I sent an email to a bunch of my friends to tell them how thankful I was for them. I still am of course, but.... It doesn't feel like thanksgiving. We went over to our cousins' house up the street, and sorta hung around, talked and whatever. Anyone under 18 had to sit at the kids' table - well, actually the little kids had a separate table, ours was more the teen and preteen table. But one of my cousins kept vetoing all our conversation topics because they were too smart for her. It was cute, but resulted in most of the conversation surrounding topics such as "would you rather be pepper or salt?" And then dinner came, around one o'clock, I would guess, but I have no real idea. Of course, the main dish was turkey, and there was no vegetarian substitute. So, while I ate enough to be satisfied, all I had were side-dishes, so I wasn't exactly thanksgiving stuffed. The dessert was pie, and the ever-so-tempting ice cream. I had a couple pieces of what seemed to be homemade whole-wheat crusted apple pie. It was alright, nothing more.
I'm going to go play scrabble with my dad, and assumably my sisters as well, but I'll write more later.
g [11/28/2002 07:56:00 PM]
[ Tuesday, November 26, 2002 ]
I'm so grateful for my adorable, lovable little brothers
g [11/26/2002 09:33:00 PM]
[ Monday, November 25, 2002 ]
So I have to miss swimming again tomorrow. I'm really mad and I didn't want to, but I have an orthodontist appointment - to take my braces off!! - at 2pm, and the next available appointment was in JANUARY. So my teeth are slightly more important to me than my terrible swimming career. I mean terrible as in I am terrible at swimming, not that swimming is terrible - I love it!
I have a really pathetic reason for wanting my braces off before my birthday (in one week!) In fact it's so pathetic that I'm not going to post it where just anyone can read it, you have to ask me in person if it matters that much to you. But it's just pathetic, and doesn't matter. So don't care. But I also just loathe my braces. I think I will look so much better without them. ...I wonder how much of my appearance it will actually change, and am I just pinning false hope about looking better on getting my braces off?
I did such a baaaad job on my presentation today. I'll tell you why, and I feel bad for not taking blame, but this is how it is: I keep telling Casey (my partner) that we need to get together and work on it. I even do a little preliminary research. She has her roleplay as an excuse. So, okay, we still have time, so it's alright. Then she is sick. Then we get together and she hasn't done any research still, and (okay here I can hold a little blame) neither of us acquired a book source, so we weren't able to do too much. I have swimming every day after school, but I was willing to skip a practice if needed. Casey says no, we still have a weekend, let's just wait and do it then. I say, okay ... then let's get together saturday so we'll have time on sunday if we need it. Well saturday comes, and when I call, her parents aren't home; she's babysitting. She says she'll call me back after finding out when they'll return. I wait. I finally call her again, she says, oh my parents got back just a little while ago, blah blah blah. Then she says her parents say that she has stuff to do and we can't work on it. So I have to agree, what am I supposed to do? And we agree to each get started somewhat, I on the paper and she on the slideshow. Well I wrote out an outline. Guess what my dear friend Casey did? Nada. -Oh, I sound so mean! I don't intend to sound mean, but I am frustrated.- Anyhow, so we get together around eleven on sunday - this would be yesterday! - and we, or should I say I, work all day until around fiveish. I am serious too in saying that I did all the work. Honestly, she circled all the words she added to the paper; it amounted to one sentence and like five random words, out of a three paragraph paper. I pretty much did the slide show too. I couldn't just let her do it, because she didn't do any research, so she didn't know what to put in it! And when I get home, I have to finish my biology lab, which involved drawing a million nuclei filled with dots of chromatin. So I didn't have time to figure out in my head what I was going to say. People today were sweet in covering up the fact that I sucked, but I know that I did. I stumbled, and I was unsure of myself. Oh I am so mad at myself. See, I wanted to improvise something, but I couldn't think of anything, and that's why I totally messed up. And so I'm mad at myself, and mad at Casey, and mad at the teachers for making us have the same partners as last quarter. Aww, I'm so mean! I love Casey, I really do, she's my really good friend and all, but I don't want to ever work with her again...
Vegan contest between Autumn and Me: 1-1 (though it ought to be 2-1 me, but I guess since I cheated first....)
I won't go on and on about >><< (look, you don't want me to, really) (>><< is a person, the guy I Like) Oh, I am so obsessed.
Hmm Aleks angered me briefly today. But only briefly. You see, she made me think I had offended her, and so I felt reeeally bad. And then she said she was joking. So it was annoying, but nothing to hold against her; I'm only mentioning it because I have nothing else to say. In case you're reading this right now, Aleks, what is your blog again, I didn't catch it.
Gotta go. Methinks my supper awaiteth.
g [11/25/2002 06:41:00 PM]
[ Saturday, November 23, 2002 ]
About the whole vegetarian thing: it is NOT the natural cycle, or the way things are meant to go, for one species to pen up another species so that the sole purpose of its life is mating and DYING. So Fuck You (much as I don't mean that) if you think it's okay. I wish I could think of a way to fix it. ...And if you honestly want to know, the reason I'm vegetarian is because I can't stand the thought that I am eating a piece of an innocent animal that was once conscious. And yes I believe that, so don't try to say I'm wrong, I've gotten enough shit for thinking the human race isn't above others already.
I sound like I'm in a bad mood, don't I? And yet I am in a really good mood, which is why I have the energy to fight back - I guess. And I really don't mean to offend anyone, so don't take it that way if you can help it, please.
g [11/23/2002 07:31:00 PM]
[ Friday, November 22, 2002 ]
Trust me, you don't want to hear from me tonight. I am feeling angry at the world in general; myself - and Rachel and Ashley - in particular. What an odd day; I've been feeling left out even though i know its my fault. and then in bio i got a 98 (w/ 6 pt curve) so i was ecstatic. that lasted til after swimming, which was enormously fun. then somehow - oh yeah i started telling my mom about rachel and ashley pissing me off, and started crying. the ultimate challenge was boring. and i am continuing my bad mood by dwelling on it. so i leave you.
g [11/22/2002 10:48:00 PM]
[ Wednesday, November 20, 2002 ]
Some people say, yeah, I guess it's wrong to kill so many animals, but if I become a vegetarian, it won't make a difference. Wow. Imagine if all the vegetarian's in the world thought that - meat consumption would probably double, and therefore twice as many animals would have to die with the pathetic excuse of being used for food. (For people, of all crazy and unworthy beings, but that is not the point right now.) Now imagine that everyone who ate meat simply because they don't think they would make a difference turned vegetarian. Less meat would sell, and when demand goes down, any slaughterers who have even half a brain would reduce production, so as to maintain profit. Therefore rescuing millions of unassuming cows, and chickens, and pigs, and so forth.
Then again, there are the people who believe they have the right to eat animals because, they say, animals are stupid. "Just look at a cow," they say, "standing there chewing its cud, with that glazed look on its face. There is no intelligence there!" They claim. I feel sorry for the cows, for all the animals kept penned up their entire lives, never allowed to explore the wondrous world around them. If anything, they are ignorant, and only because of people. You know, they weren't always domesticated. There used to be wild cows, strange as that may sound. (Or perhaps, cows are a mixture of wild animals, bred to be complacent. Disgusting.) Anyway, as I was saying, they are ignorant - and perhaps they don't have the "capacity" we humans have, but they can learn, and live - and ignorance does not deserve the death penalty. (Well, I will admit, I don't believe in the death penalty, but that is another issue.) Plus we make it so unfair for them; the animals have no chance of survival. We pen them in, nice and secure, and one by one, we break their necks. I have very little (I can't in total honesty say nothing) against the capture and consumption of wild animals, because it is the natural process. People are so damn protective of ourselves! If one shark, or one bear, kills five people in its entire life, we think it is evil, and we mourn the loss. But if a person goes and kills five of a kind of animal in one day, well, they are very skillful, and - respected ? Oh come on!
And people these days, especially modernized people like americans, are so extrememly wasteful! They stock up on poor little dead animals, intending to eat them, but they don't, even. They eat maybe half, but the rest gets moldy, or they decide they don't like the way it tastes, and they cause that defenseless animal to have died for no purpose whatsoever. Unless you count the meat manufacturers, of course.
And then there are the people who say that fish and poultry are not animals. Where did they get that idea? They aren't mammals, but they have brains, and eyes; they act and react to their surroundings - they are animals! The only thing slightly worse about eating cows and pigs is that it is one step closer to cannibalism.
Sometimes I remind people of what they are eating. I have soo little respect for people who react with "ew! Don't say stuff like that, that's gross! I'm eating." People who, when they eat meat, don't allow themselves to think about what it is that they are eating, because they know - they know - that it is so wrong. If you have to do that, you should stop eating it. I mean, I noticed that when I was eating cheese or milk on my cereal, I had to consciously swing my thoughts away from the fact that I was consuming the (essentially) blood of a cow, specially intended for those adorable baby cows, who are now being deprived of their basic and perfect sustinance. And the fact that to gain this special liquid, the mothers' udders - that would be the bovine equivalent of breasts, for those girls who would like to try and imagine this - are painfully attached to pumps that suck out the milk that should have gone to the babies, and feed it - with any artificial and natural hormones definitely not intended for the human body - to ignorant masses of people. And so, I have stopped with the dairy. Silk brand soymilk is just fine for cereal - after a couple bites even the nutty flavor that many people dislike seems to vanish, and their yogurt is divine; I can eat it without getting a headache (something I have not acheived with dairy yogurt for quite some time (at least a few years)). The only real hard part for me is cheese snacks - crackers, pirate's booty, gooooooooldfiiiiiiish!!! Yes, but I really do enjoy eating vegetables as a snack when they are available.
I told my mom about what I am making for my current ceramics project: a plate of spaghetti with, instead of meatballs, various parts of a cow (the sauce is meant to double as blood) - and underneath, I will have a person in the act of chopping off a cow's head with an axe. "Get out of here," is my mom's reaction; "I don't want to hear about that!" It was the same as most people's reactions, but it was coming from the woman who, when she craves steak, calls up her friend and says "moooo." Oh yes, and on the plate that holds the spaghetti, will be the inscription, "IT'S WHAT YOU'RE EATING". I love it; I think it's a great idea. I just hope I can do a good enough job to get my point across.
g [11/20/2002 05:57:00 PM]
[ Tuesday, November 19, 2002 ]
Bio Test. I won't even say what I expect on it; I will be wrong, I'm sure. I still haven't finished studying; I forgot about the epithelial tissues.... American Studies Presentation. Friday. How much have I done? Preliminary research. Please, please, please, let it be postponed until Monday - I have swimming every day after school; when can I work on it?
Oh, that's enough, I have to go do something about all this.
g [11/19/2002 10:15:00 PM]
[ Monday, November 18, 2002 ]
I love everyone. The only person I actually hate, is myself. The irony in that is immense and frustrating. You see, I love people because I can empathize with them, and because they in their very essence are just the same as me. And yet if I can hate myself... then why can't I hate others? I am not saying, by the way, that my hate for myself is in any way constant. I waver, sometimes slowly and sometimes rapidly, between loving myself so very much, and hating myself to an equal extent. Often, I begin hating myself because I love myself. I see myself as egotistical for loving myself, and so I hate myself. Often I feel both extremems at once, and it seems to me now, though it may be inaccurate, that I do not often tend to feel inbetween. But I guess I feel - to revert back to my original thought - that I can't judge others because I don't know them completely, and I know myself through and through and am therefore allowed to make any judgement I want. Except that often I don't feel that I am informed enough even to judge myself. ...How very silly I am.
g [11/18/2002 11:20:00 PM]
I'm writing because I haven't written in a while, and not because I have anything in particular to say.
Weekend: unsuccessful. I have a presentation due on Friday, my partner is Casey, and we have hardly got anything done. Walt Disney, up to Fantasia and Snow White. "Sounds like fun!" says the librarian. No not particularly, though it could probably be worse.
On a lighter note, my ceramics teacher today asked me if I was taking Ceramics II... I said not this year, I have to take Bach to Brancusi but i want to next year ... she said, you should; you're good. >!!!< Yay! And also, another reason I'm in a good mood, I LOVE mock trial. SO MUCH. You have no idea. So I guess today was, over all, a good day.
g [11/18/2002 06:11:00 PM]
[ Thursday, November 14, 2002 ]
I apologize for making you suffer through that post, it was ... well, long.
g [11/14/2002 10:13:00 PM]
Opinion: the words "under god" ought not to be in the pledge. I already don't say them, I just skip to indivisible, and it makes such perfect sense without the phrase.... How odd. This is one issue that actually affects me. I mean, I stand up for homosexuals, and ... i don't know... peace and stuff, but it doesn't directly affect me. I'm not homosexual, I'm not going to be one fighting, etc etc etc. I am however an atheist, at least an open-minded one. The thing is, though, even though I don't want to say under god, i stopped saying it before that doubt developed. Because I didn't think it was fair. Because it isn't. ...Someone said that it was officially taken out, is that true?
If there is any sort of life after death, I can most imagine that it would be reincarnation. At least for me; I couldn't just stop living, or even "start" living in heaven or anything, because I would see or would have seen anyhow the suffering and the problems going on in the world, and I would want to finish helping to solve them. And since there are always going to be problems, I would always be reincarnated. And at this point, I just have to point out what an amazing person Autumn is. (She believes in reincarnation, that's why I thought of her.)
I have been growing ever more aware that my opinions are not the only opinions out there. I know that sounds obvious, but I guess I have subconsciously assumed that since something makes logical sense to me, it would to everyone else. And it's ... oddly enough, it's a good feeling to recognize that I might be less right than other people, and that other people have the right to their opinions. You know what awakened me - or started me on my way to awakening, anyway.? The midterm election. It is amazing how many informed people have different opinions. It makes me really respect the diversity of humanity. And I took a quiz to find out what my political identity is; apparently I'm left-liberal, although I don't know especially what that means (how quickly these things slip through our minds!). But that also exposed me to the huge variety in philosophies, which I am very grateful for. It does make me worry, however; you see, as I said before, I had always subconsciously assumed that everyone ought to agree with me, and that they would... but now I really am beginning to see that there are people who are not going to have the same opinion as me, no matter what, and people who disagree with me are going to vote against me. That will be very very hard.
I sound like a naive little idiot, but I have to be honest, and while I always knew other people had different opinions (and was willing to accept them in many areas, particularly religion), I guess I thought, very hypocritically, that it was because they were somehow wrong - of course not by their fault, but simply by ignorance. And I still know that there are many areas in which people's opinions would be substantially altered if they had a stronger grasp on the facts. (This is why learning is wonderful. Well, one reason.) It's just that now, I am coming to terms with the fact that there are many areas in which people would not change their opinions. And with the fact that my opinion is not necessarily more right than theirs. (Obviously, my opinions could also be wrong, for those of you who still think i'm being egotistical because i haven't stated that straight out.)
It is very strange for me to think how strongly I used to believe in God. Sometimes I feel as though I am denying some part of me deep within when I deny the presence of God. Let me fill you in a little bit: I was raised so completely in an obscure church known commonly as the New Church (I am not going to get into the details of that just now; you will have to hold your horses) that for an unbelievably long time, I very simply DID NOT KNOW that there was any other religion in the world. I innocently accepted that what I was taught as the facts were the facts, and that everyone else knew the same. Until, what seems like suddenly but perhaps was very gradually, I was slapped in the face by the real facts. That there are people out there who do not believe in the Writings of Swedenborg (the founder of the Church), there are people out there who do not believe in Christ, there are people out there who do not believe in the same God. Some people - do not - believe - in - God. At all. It was a shock. I had pretty much only come into contact, for the whole of my life, with members of the New Church. I was appalled, that I had been brainwashed - no that's not what they were intending, but that is what happened. And in this church in which I so firmly believed that I wanted to become a minister of it, women cannot (as of yet - it is now a red hot issue) be ministers. That, I pinpoint as the turning point, as the time I began to doubt. I doubted slowly at first: only some of the teachings in the Writings; then I flushed the Writings down the toilet altogether (not literally of course). At this point... I could still literally feel God and angels. I remember very clearly one time in seventh grade when I was very depressed, and I got a hug from God. A friggin hug from God. I just don't get myself, you see .... As time went on, and I became ever more aware that most of the world was not Swedenborgian, and that so much of it was not Christian or even Jewish, I just couldn't bring myself to believe more in what I had been taught my whole life than what other people, perhaps on the other side of the world, had been taught their whole lives. And so I doubted God. How can I doubt God when I literally felt him/her? (I had developed the idea that God was neither male nor female but also both pretty early on.) I have a strange feeling that there is some sort of ... being... or rather ... presence, some sort of essence or something, maybe a kind of Brahman idea (another thing I forget - which is the whole spirit and which is the part: Brahma or Brahman???) without the eternity as part of him... or rather, with being part of him eternally from the beginning to end of time, not just from the time you become perfect. Well that's how I understood this whole Hinduism thing, although I'm sure I am pretty off on parts - what do I know? But the point is, whenever I find myself beginning to even remotely accept some theory of God or anything, the logical part of me kicks in very hard, and insists that it is just not probable.
And you know how a lot of people tell you, "well just have faith, that's the point"? That is such BS. Because they are basically telling you to ignore your instincts and any "other truths" and to allow yourself to be blind and ignorant. At least that is how it feels to me. If you have faith, that is so great for you, believe me, especially if someone you love dies, but if someone like me just doesn't have faith, taking it up would be like putting a blindfold around my eyes after I've seen ... I can't come up with a good analogy for the rest, but I could never choose ignorance. Or death, or pain for other people. But those are different matters. And I've probably written enough for one entry, even though I hardly touched on ... things from my childhood that I want to bore you to death with. Should I stop? I could easily keep writing. And you know what, I don't write nearly enough, so I'm going to keep writing. Most likely it won't be anything important, so you can stop or just skim the rest and move on.
But anyway, I am sure I have told you about how I am always tired. (Yet another reason to vote for me!) But I am. And it's not physical tiredness, or anyway not just. I don't know what it is though. I usually state seventh grade as the last time I was awake. And ever since, I have been straining so hard for that awareness that I used to have, but it just isn't there. You see, not only could I feel God when I was younger, but I could feel other people as well, as sort of bundles of emotions. Sometimes I could even see out of their eyes - something I was working hard at improving (and believing) when the whole thing left me. I could just plain sense other people. It made me very empathetic; I could feel their humanity. One time, I was standing on my trampoline, feeling either restless or upset, I don't remember that quite, and I recall so vividly zoning in on the quiet rest that others - my neighbors - were experiencing as they lay asleep. And I felt quieted, calm. Now, I know that that was probably just my imagination, along with the seeing out of other people's eyes, although somehow I almost believe it wasn't, but I know for a fact that the awareness of others, the empathy, the awakeness, was not my imagination. And I miss it so much. I feel as though I am not myself, because I am not awake enough to really make decisions, or figure things out. I feel as though my memory and my ambition would each work so very much better if only I could wake up. I feel as though my laziness would dissipate, and I would start living. Living my dreams, living life to the fullest, being aware of time, of joy, and of the preciousness of them. Right now, I know that I am living a great life; I am getting good grades, I have amazing friends... and etcetera. But the spark of life is close to smothered in me; I am not living, I am only dreaming. When will I wake up?
g [11/14/2002 10:08:00 PM]
[ Wednesday, November 13, 2002 ]
I'm feeling frustrated about my stomach. And don't try telling me that I have a fine stomach; I know my body, and I know it can look better. There is a section at the bottom of my stomach that definitely is storing fat. And who can blame it? I've eaten a lot - A LOT - of candy lately; where else was it going to go? I just hope that this whole swimming thing helps me out in that area. Yeah and the extra fifty crunches and thirty seconds of flippy feet or whatever. Which I am probably going to soon expand on, because it feels rather inadequate and useless; I can barely, barely feel it even though i only did them like a minute ago. I also hope I get a LOT better at pushups. I apologize, Irina; I felt kind of - oh what's the word - well it made me feel bad because you are so much better than me at them, and i let myself feel put down by your helping me. Which was stupid, and I apologize, whether or not you could tell. I really am grateful; I'd been wanting someone to help me out, I really had.
I wish I didn't feel so self-conscious about my stomach, but I guess it spurs me to greater efforts to improve it, right? As long as I don't get anorexic or something. That would be really scary. Toodles!
g [11/13/2002 09:37:00 PM]
[ Tuesday, November 12, 2002 ]
i'm a pup.what kinda pet are you?
quiz made by muna.
g [11/12/2002 06:11:00 PM]
last night, i write that, and then i thought i felt better but then i went to bed and i just started crying. so i went outside, because that can often calm me down and/or help me sleep. but i just ended up crying harder. i didn't even know why i was crying, the tears just kept coming.
it was wet. and cold. and i was afraid all my neighbors could hear me.
i went inside. i was feeling a little better. it was eleven o clock; i thought about reading or something, then i remembered that will and grace is on at eleven. so i watched. and felt SO much better afterwards, silly as that sounds.
today, though, i was really tired. but i dragged myself to my classes and got through the day. and i got through dry land - ok that was fun - ok i had a good day all day, actually. but anyway, yeah, in an hour i have badminton i hope people are there! :)
g [11/12/2002 05:35:00 PM]
[ Monday, November 11, 2002 ]
i've already forgotten what life's about. i already am starting to care more about being successful, and recognized, and stupid shit like that. i know it's not important. THAT'S NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME!!! but i keep forgetting! how can i remember that i'm doing it for ... other people, when i can't see those other people? i really am enveloped in a bubble, and i don't think it even includes all of [edited], or [edited], or anything. it's just me. why? why don't i open my eyes, open my heart? i care, don't i? DON'T I?????
it's because - maybe - i'm too competitive. i can't get past the present... i keep forgetting... it's so frustrating! i can't do anything right now! and if i can't... then how can i remember what it is i'm trying to do? ((god, i'm not trying to be the best, can't i please remember that?))
>deep breaths<
okay; i'm okay. for now, i'm okay. i don't own the superlative in anything, and i don't need to!!
alright then...goodnight, sleep well
g [11/11/2002 10:37:00 PM]
Stupid Everything!
I had another entry but my computer freaked out and i don't even know.
Stupid POW, that's what I'm really frustrated about! I would think it was impossible, except Natasha figured it out ... and the small piece of evidence in that mr becker probably wouldn't give it to us if it was impossible. So i feel like an idiot. Oh yeah and then he tells us to "think outside the box." I don't even know where the box is!! And, how FAR outside the box are we meant to think? Can we move the fulcrum? Rip the bags open? SHOOT EVERYONE AND KEEP THE SECRET?!!!! >sigh< so yeah, I'm feeling just a bit frustrated >:-(
g [11/11/2002 08:38:00 PM]
[ Thursday, November 07, 2002 ]
Thank goodness for badminton!!
g [11/07/2002 08:08:00 PM]
I was having a really unstoppably good day today. And then come sixth period and - mr barron is the teacher who teaches in the bio room 5th right? - well we all started to go in the room because the bell had rung and the first group of students had left.... he tells us to leave with that stone expression he has. i thought he was kidding around, i don't know about the rest of us. so i said to him that the bell rang and all, and i guess he thought i was trying to be all rebellious or something because he told everyone to get out and we did, then he said everyone but me could go back in. i still thought he was joking. so i went back in. ... he told me to get out or he would give me a saturday detention. then i started to realize he might be serious. you know that face he has though! you just can't tell! so i was like, the bell had rung! he's like, go back outside or you get a saturday detention. me: why? him: you're being disobedient. ...wow. this was not fun. i went back outside quickly because my resolve not to cry was temporarily dry. or wet i guess. so i wiped my eyes once outside - i cannot believe how easily those tears come! - and regained my composure. when he came out he Talked to me. about how it was common courtesy to let the previous class leave and stuff. after defending myself again, i apologized. he thanked me and told me to have a nice day. yeah. right. walking back in the classroom, trying to hide those damn tears, go to throw out my goldfish (entirely different story) at which point i stand there a couple minutes wiping them away. no not wiping the goldfish! the tears! yes, so i had a worse day from that point on, and i still can't figure out if i was in the wrong or not. i mean, i'm sure i was, except that i thought he was kidding around. i mean he seems to have a screwy sense of humor like that. so anyway every time i keep thinking of it i just feel BAD. i'm not sure why either. i guess because i was rude? but the thing is i didn't mean to be, i was just trying to kind of play along..... i don't even know anymore. but it feels better now i've written it down. woah i have badminton i have to go. bye
g [11/07/2002 06:24:00 PM]
[ Wednesday, November 06, 2002 ]
I'm scared. Perhaps I should tell you why, but it probably isn't worth being scared about so there's no point in you getting freaked out or anything. Besides, it's something that's been going on for a couple years, and nothing seems to have come of it. I just want to be reassured that it's nothing. I'll give you that it's of the medical genre, so you don't think i'm being sexually harrassed or anything serious like that. Also don't ask me to explain because I've tried and I'm not any good at it. When I can I will. Nighty night everyone!
Hahaha this is the fourth entry today, you people must think i have no life!
g [11/06/2002 09:42:00 PM]
In a way, don't you think it's kind of scary that one party has virtually complete control over our government? That's not supposed to happen. I've been thinking, wouldn't it be better if you weren't allowed to have parties? Wouldn't that be more fair? Wouldn't it stop something like this from happening? Then I thought, no. All it would do is that it would happen secretly. "Here I'll donate money to your campaign if you support thus and such policies." hint hint wink wink nudge nudge saynomore saynomore! (scuse me little monty python reference there). But I do think that there ought to be a system such that people vote, and then the top two (if no one gets a majority of course) have a little face off, where people vote again, but just between the two. Isn't there a downside to that? Surely it isn't perfect - besides the slight delay i mean - but it couldn't be perfect nothing is, i just can't for the life of me remember what makes that system unfair. ah well. unless someone points the flaw out to me, i'm going to push for this system for pa once i enter politics and all. i don't quite feel like going into the upsides of this system but if you can't figure it out yourself, which i must say i have faith in you AMAZINGLY smart people, you can ask and i'll you know expound upon it. btw yes i really do think you are AMAZINGLY smart. i just can't fathom it i really can't. i mean people tell me i'm smart? -!- look at you guys! god, your ideas are so much more mature and developed and backed up than mine! but anyway yeah i have to go do my homework some more just thought i'd insert that thought while it was fresh :)
g [11/06/2002 08:26:00 PM]
Now I finally got the comments thingy to work, so comment away!!
g [11/06/2002 07:43:00 PM]
i'm happy i'm very happy! my stocks are finally going up (although that reminds me that i need to research companies in order to diversify my portfolio) but i'm so happy! i actually had a good lunch period - i didn't have a good lunch, but the social thing was good. i'm on the swim team! my friends are too, well kels irina allison and lauren are, and plus there are makeup practices tuesday and thursday mornings so i don't have to ditch mock trial! and this afternoon i hung out with allison (not the aforementioned allison) who (is from canadia) is one of my very best friends but our schedules hardly ever coincide so we almost never see each other. but this afternoon we went to santiago's and then we spent half an hour saying goodbye :) lol we made up a handshake thing it's very touching.
so to sum it up, i'm HAPPY! (geez, for once!)
g [11/06/2002 06:01:00 PM]
[ Tuesday, November 05, 2002 ]
i don't like grades. i know they're meant to make you want to work harder and everything, but in the end they just make me feel bad. Probably the same goes for most other people too. if i get a bad grade, i feel frustrated and worthless. if i get a good grade, i feel good except that either a) someone else got a better grade, so mine seems bad in comparison or b) i feel bad because other people feel bad in comparison to my grade, even if i worked hard for and deserved it. school shouldn't be a competition, it should be - gasp - about learning. i love to learn; i truly rejoice in gaining knowledge. so it really says something when i hate a class (cough cough >bio< cough cough). I just don't think ms g's teaching style is very effective. we copy down notes, but we don't know what the hell they mean. maybe we should read the chapter first, or maybe she should just explain it like she says she's going to after we take notes. which she doesn't, does she? we just do labs, don't we.
on a lighter note, i helped my sister (who's in 8th grade) with this social studies assignment where she had to ask voters some questions. so i helped her think of like six questions, write them out in an organized manner, and we went up to the borough hall (in Bryn Athyn). from 2:50 to 3:50 and 6:30 to 7:30 i think we got a little over fifteen each time. the second time we went up, we went inside 'cause it was raining and we also took turns asking the questions. it was really fun :) Most people were republicans, of course, surprise surprise, but we caught at least five democrats and a couple independants. At the earlier time, most of them - almost all - were old - excuse me - elderly people. quite a few were not well informed - that goes for young and old. ignorance lies at the root of every problem everywhere. one young woman we talked to told us the main "issue" that influenced who she voted for was her mom...! yeah, well, i plan to be slightly better informed when i go to vote in a few years.
see now i really could research the candidates for this years election, but i'm too lazy. but i'm still going to feel put down when mr pezza praises mike for knowing all about them. so yeah it's my fault and i'm a hypocrit and ... stupid ... and everything. okay i'll do a short search on the internet - you know, i was going to watch some debate between rendell and fisher but i didn't quite catch when it was, so i scanned the news at nine and ten only it must have been at ten since who has news at nine? but i couldn't find it! i'm really disappointed.... i would just like to know what they are for and against and what they are going to do, what they have done. where can i find that information? in 2000 it was all over, those charts comparing candidates, some biased some not. k, gotta go do that now, ttyl!
g [11/05/2002 09:54:00 PM]
The only effective way of fighting terrorism is going to be to change our foreign policy so it is less offensive.
g [11/05/2002 04:45:00 PM]
[ Monday, November 04, 2002 ]
Here's my theory on homosexuality (keep in mind I am cautious about asserting myself seeing as I don't have experience with being homosexual, but anyway, that's completely beside the point, I just wanted to clarify that it's a theory, meaning it's my opinion and others are free to disagree as long as they do so tactfully... so here it is):
1) The world is overpopulated with humans.
2) The natural process of human reproduction is heterosexual.
3) Therefore, homosexuality is nature's form of population control.
((Wow I put that succinctly :^) I just hope it is clear... that's the hard part you know.))
Natasha and I had a nice argument over this a few weeks ago. I thought it was fun, anyway, because I like to argue, except I'm not sure she enjoyed it as much as I so it kind of took away from that simple pleasure. For your multidimensional pleasure (meaning, because I feel I have a duty not to give you only one side), I'll tell you what she said, and I'll try to do it without bias. Basically, she argued that people don't want their feelings explained away by science, and that they want to feel that what they feel is under their control, that it's not just a form of population control. I hope I got your point across, Natasha? But the thing is, from what I've heard, homosexuals like to emphasize the fact that they don't just choose how they feel, and that it is nature. ...I'm sorry if I just totally negated what you said, really, I didn't mean to do that really.
You know what else? Just kind of on the topic of homosexuality. I was watching Blind Date the other night - on my tv there's nothing better on at 12:30am - and they had two men, and I found I enjoyed it more than the usual heterosexual pair. No, not in some perverted way. It's because, when I watch the show (with a man and woman), I feel jealous - which we don't need to get into just now - but with the two men, it's not a relationship I'm ever going to be seeking, and so there is no jealousy.
Yup so that's it, that's my whole homosexuality spiel (I think). And of course the whole they should be accepted thing but I think that was implied, so.... And of course I could get into the whole stereotyping thing, but we'll save that for some other time. Good night.
g [11/04/2002 11:37:00 PM]
[ Sunday, November 03, 2002 ]
i feel very incompetent.
i look at my papers that i have gotten back, with all the red marks on them, and i feel incompetent.
i think of biology, my less than great grade, and i feel incompetent.
i see the politicians and the decisions they have to make, and i feel very, very incompetent.
whenever anyone does anything better than me, i feel incompetent.
whenever i procrastinate, whenever i think of everything that i could be doing but am not, i feel incompetent.
when i read inspiring stories about kids who have made a difference in the world, i feel incompetent.
someone dances better than me, and even though i don't care about dancing, it makes me feel incompetent.
someone paints better than me, and i feel defensive, and incompetent.
someone gets a better grade, is more of a favorite than me, and i feel incompetent.
i know i do fine, but just fine is not enough for me, i have to be the best... or i feel incompetent.
how can i live up to my expectations for the future if i cannot live up to the ones for the present?
i feel very, very incompetent.
and i know it's stupid. but that's how i feel just the same.
I'M DOING MY BEST!!!!!
by the way, i didn't mean it to be like a poem or anything i was just venting and it turned out like a reeeeeally stupid poem so you can just ignore that aspect if you wish.
g [11/03/2002 08:03:00 PM]